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Awakening is a Destructive Process

By UPLIFT on Sunday September 13th, 2015

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There is no easy road to enlightenment

Enlightenment is a destructive process.
It
 has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier.
Enlightenment is the

crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing
through the facade of pretense. It’s the
complete eradication of everything we
imagined to be true.
– Adyashanti

Make no bones about it, awakening is not a walk in the park. It is a ride through hell. It is the tearing down of all of your cherished beliefs and everything you thought about yourself. There is no way around this. In The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, they had to enter into the Mirkwood Forest to get to their destination. There was no other way for them. It was not a walk in the park. Likewise, we must enter the shadowlands, and come face to face with our shadows. It is there that our false ideas of who we are are shattered. It is there that all of our false beliefs are destroyed. We must face these false notions and see them for what they are. This is the only way to heal, to become whole again, to live in integrity.

My good friend, Julie Anne gave a good description of this process in Enlightenment. It is a complete surrender, a process of brutal self honesty. It is a path of complete acceptance of the truth, no matter how difficult it is to bear. I still remember it vividly.

We go through life with so many false notions – of the world, of spirituality and of ourselves. We build up masks and we believe the facades. It’s all a charade. It is all based upon illusions and deceit. We deceive ourselves at every moment, and the world also deceives us at every moment. We live in perpetual cognitive dissonance, justifying the most absurd things in our minds. We constantly lie to ourselves…. and we believe it.

To awaken to the truth that you seek, you must tear down the lies.

But we are too attached to the lies. We want to hold on to the illusions and to become enlightened at the same time. That is not possible. But there are hundreds of phony gurus and “spiritual teachers” that will tell you it is. They offer you processes to become happy, fulfilled, calm, find your soulmate, be positive, get the right job, make lots of money, balance the chakras, become healthy and whatever else you may be desiring. This has nothing to do with awakening. This is only polishing the ego. They all lead you right back into the matrix. You may even be lucky enough to get a golden cage, but it is still a cage, and you remain imprisoned in slavery. This is the road that most people choose to follow. This road is well traveled by the herd.

The path to awakening
The path to awakening

The road to truth and freedom

It takes courage, discernment and self honesty to walk the Siddhartha road to truth and freedom. Not many people have that. We have been weakened by the onslaught of programming since our childhood. Most people want to remain in the herd, as they find comfort in the company of other deluded souls. It takes a certain individual to break free of the herd. The Siddhartha road is not easy. It is a treacherous road that will shatter every part of your existence. No, it takes a certain type of person to walk that road; a person that is willing to give up everything to find his true Self.

My story was one that took me through so many paths to nowhere; detours, dead ends and off of cliffs. I had to eventually be dragged, kicking and screaming through the abyss by Grace herself, for me to awaken. It was simply my time.

Now the strange thing about this, is that worse things have happened to me before, so why did this hit me so hard? I believe because it was supposed to, for me to transform. I took everything much harder, than I ever did before. Also, everything came crashing down at once. In the past, I was strong, and I kept my sense of self, of who I thought I was. But this time, my sense of self, who I thought I was, gave up. I stopped trying to be strong. I just collapsed.

Falling apart
Everything came crashing down at once

Yes, I remember it well. My entire life story collapsed overnight. My girlfriend of five years ran off with another man. And she lived across the street. So every morning I would look out the window to see his van, just to rub it in. I kept saying, “There must be a purpose for this.” My health collapsed, my business collapsed, and those that I thought were my friends were not. I was alone. I tried to be in denial, grabbing straws as I was being dragged down into the abyss. My world around me collapsed, but so did my self-worth, self-esteem and my false ego. I felt unloved and abandoned. My life story shattered.

In the depths of darkness

I was left in this darkness for some time; four months. In that time, I was slowly being dismantled, as I had to face the hard cold facts. I had to be brutally honest with myself. Eventually, I came to the point of realizing that I hated my broken body, I hated the world, I hated myself, and I really hated god. Yes, I was very angry at him. He abandoned me. I felt the entire world abandoned me. It wasn’t fair. I threw out everything spiritual in my house. I was facing my darkness with brutal honesty. I sat with that for a while. Imagine the despair of seeing what lies hidden behind your persona, behind the lies you tell yourself daily.

And then a very powerful voice spoke to me. From where this voice came from, I do not know. It said, “Just surrender to the suffering.” That was it. So I thought about it. I realized that I was not accepting what was happening to me. I was fighting it. I was trying to push away the suffering, but it was obviously not working. So I followed the message, and surrendered to the suffering, that which is.

This continued for two weeks, right through Christmas. I felt so rejected, so abandoned, so alone. The pain of being stripped naked in the frigid cold, with no hope in sight. But I accepted what was happening. I was no longer trying to push it away. The suffering felt endless, yet I endured it. I don’t even know how to explain it. And then on the morning of January 1, 2004, I woke up. Not to a new year, but a new life. The suffering was gone, all was forgiven, and I was at peace. A peace that I had never known before. That which I thought I was no longer existed. My false perception of Self vanished. I remember the singing of the birds, the sun entering through the window, and everything around me was seen in a new light – a light of awe and amazement. My mind had ceased its chatter, I was experiencing a very deep peace.

Heart released
Shattering the illusions and deceptions of the world

And then it started – wave after wave of revelations, of deep knowings. I began to awaken to who I Am. I became acutely aware that I Am eternal and sovereign. Each wave awakened me more to my deepest Self. Each wave also shattered the illusions and deceptions of the world. As I awakened, my eyes saw a very different world. All the pieces fell into place. Someday I will describe the many revelations that flooded over me. I have already written much about it.

Divine connection

The largest wave came a couple of weeks into this. I was meditating, and I went so deep, following the river of life to the depths of my Being. I was empty, but then from this emptiness, a powerful divine love sprang forth, inundating my entire mind and body. This love is unconditional. It spread out from me everywhere. All of the bugs, the lizards, the birds, the plants, the trees, everything was inundated with this love. I could not tell where I ended and the other Beings began. We were all intrinsically connected with this love; and yet my individual Self remained. I was not the bugs, the birds or the plants, but the connection was so deep, that I felt they were as if a part of me. There was simultaneously separation and no separation. It is not easy to describe, but this divine love is nothing like the love of this world.

But when you do awaken, and you do see the world with new eyes, you soon realize that no one else is seeing the same thing. I tried to tell a few people what had happened to me, but no one believed me. They thought that perhaps I cracked under the pressure of suffering and had gone crazy. No one wanted to hear anything I said, as it exposed their false beliefs. So I remained quiet for eight years.

I awoke, only to find the rest of the world still sleeping.
– Leonardo daVinci

How can I possibly explain something so deep, beyond the mind, where people have no concepts or understanding? What I woke up to I call Knowings, as opposed to knowledge. Knowledge comes from outside of the Self, either from the world, or from “up above”. Knowings are who you are. It is not new information, but rather an awakening to your true Self. Someone who has not awakened to his true Self has a difficult time understanding. They believe it is just knowledge, a different set of beliefs. Therefore people say things like, “That is your idea of Truth. It’s different from mine.” or “There is no absolute Truth, only relative truths.” They think they are only my beliefs. It is quite pointless to explain this to people, because all they know is beliefs. So I remain alone, with but a few friends that have experienced their own dark night of the soul, and awakened to their true Self, if sometimes only a glimmer. That is all it takes for one to see that their is a deep consciousness separate from the vast majority of people.

Walking back to self
Walking on that road alone

On the road to the Self

When one decides to take the Siddhartha road to the Self, he soon realizes he is alone on that road. The herd is going in the opposite direction. One must be prepared for that, to find comfort in being alone, not understood by others.

I cannot take any credit for my awakening. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, grasping straws. No, I take no credit. It was by Grace alone.

Grace is within you. Grace is your Self. Grace is not something to be acquired from others. If it is external, it is useless. All that is necessary is to know its existence is in you. You are never out of its operation.
– Ramana Maharshi

As Eckhart Tolle has stated, you don’t have to wait for the dark night of the soul to dismantle your false notions, your false self, your life story. You can consciously take that road. But it demands courage, discernment, and a brutal honesty of yourself. The mind is a very tricky opponent, and will deceive you at every step, as your awakening is the end of its control over you. But it can be done. Nisargadatta Maharaj did it. You must simply allow Grace to act within you.

As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.
– Eckhart Tolle

So the choice rests with each of you. No one can do this for you. All I, or anyone else, can offer you are sign posts, pointing in the direction. But you, and you alone, must take that road. It does little good to read my writings and not act upon them, to not take that road yourself. Otherwise, you are only hanging out at the signposts, believing that you have already arrived at the destination.

This road is not for the timid or the faint of heart. not at all. But there is no other road. No one will simply wave a magical wand over you. It is a road of destruction and the question is, “How much are you willing to give up? How much can you endure?” Because on this road, you must give up everything. Every piece of you will shatter. Can you endure that? As the great Bhaktivinode Thakur has written, “You must die to live.” So how serious are you? How much do you want it? How much will you pay for it?

WORDS BY GREG CALISE
ORIGINALLY APPEARED ON RIVERBANK OF TRUTH

FEATURE IMAGE: Sculpture ‘Expansion’, by Paige Bradley, photographed in New York, NY.

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66 Responses to Awakening is a Destructive Process

  1. Thanks for the ideas, yet I personally didn’t experience my awakening as destructive or as a struggle at all. It was like walking into another room. Unable to rightly explain why.

    • This also happened to a friend of mine. Everyone’s path is unique. I am only writing what happened to me personally

    • Thanks for the reminder that we’re all on different paths. I like to imagine that I’m on a path toward enlightenment. I’ve certainly had glimpses – seen through the veil of illusion. Never to stay, though. Never integrated – I’m always searching for integrity. One thing that frustrates me is reading about how rare/hard it is to attain enlightenment. While my ego perks up to the idea of a challenge, the thought of the accomplishment of a rare feat plays into my tendency towards self righteousness. And every glimpse I’ve ever had has reminded me how connected – how the same – I am to others, not how unique I am for glimpsing the arcane. I’m split though, because I feel a jealousy connected to this observation. How do we let go of our attachment to the desire to let go of our attachment to desires? Even the veil has veils…

    • I think he was in darkness for years. We all have been. The surrender to and acceptance of was new. It broke through the walls surrounding his center.

      • Yes, its very true what you say Julie. I was also in the same boat years ago; but on awakening, its changed everything around me. Attitudes that were with me years ago, say for poverty have gone; now being replaced with {equality} of the highest order. When I look at any person now, rich or poor, strong or weak, timid or brave, I se no difference; I see only love.

  2. Ahm mr.Greg i was in the awakening already and i was so alone cause no one understands me. I feel anxiety. Cause i know peoples where thinking that i was out of mind. But thanks to you mr.Greg i feel comfort because of this article. thank you very much. I hope one day i’ll be like you helping others. Thank you very much

  3. I am on this journey of awakening and wow is it incredibly hard to let go of the ego, beliefs, and everything around you. Some days are Great and some days are Shattering. I keep telling myself it is worth it!!
    I have hit several rock bottoms in my life but recently I had another one and this “rock bottom” was a harder than any other one for some reason, I don’t know why because it was smaller than the others.
    Something just said WAKE UP and I am.
    I am, searching. I am, finding. I am, Being. 😉
    Wouldn’t it be fantastic for everyone to take this journey of self instead of self image? <3 Namaste <3

  4. Thank you! Thank you so much for writing this!
    I have been facing a very hard time and just as you described it seems like no one understands or believes the things I now know are actually the truth. It’s been so hard.
    And just a few minutes ago I was just scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed thinking my shrink isn’t helping and that I actually needed a spiritual guide. Then the link to this text came up, the title seemed interesting and I decided I’d have a look at it. And it was unbelievable how it just spoke right to everything I was feeling and thinking at that moment.
    Thank you so much. This helped more than you could ever imagine.

    • This is something that has helped me greatly in answering life’s biggest questions.
      w ww.youtube.com/watch?v=rvbqTteof50&list=PL80D542014311942B&index=26

  5. As far as I know, there is no other way, there is no shortcut, to learning how to love than surrendering to the process, letting go of old self-serving fears, defenses, and rigid beliefs; letting go of narcissism. The process of learning to love, Letting Old Vanity Evaporate, is a constant demand of the Universe. This is the thesis of my book, “Love Always Wins.”

  6. Waking up and realizing that every one else is asleep! Good to know that other people have felt the love and oneness as well. The ego shattering experience changed my entire perception of life and self.

    Personally my white light moment (s) were centered around drug addiction and recovery. I suggest that anyone interested check out the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The goal/promise of the steps is a spiritual experience like the one you mentioned.

    Very good read! I went through the same experience very recently, it was amazing or a while but slowly dissipated. I am now trying to find it again as the ego continues to grow back I think. My journey has just started!

  7. I’M HERE RIGHT NOW AND THIS IS UNEXPLAINABLE.I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IT’S UNHEARD OF AND OTHERS SEEM TO THINK THEY CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

  8. I can go back as far as being a small child feeling disconnected with the masses…always feeling alone, never believing in the “normal” way of thinking. The loneliness led to self hate, blame and shame and finally drug use. Always wanted to love myself but never knew how. Now I’m 45 years old and searching still for my place in this world and now I believe I have found my beginning. Thank you.

  9. Im in the teeth of this and yes feel all the fear and the anger.Im glad to have read this for this past week I’ve attempted to deny how I feel and run back to the herd. I’m terrified and feel completely alone

  10. Thank you. You & me went through the same road, it’s not over yet. Amazing piece, confirmation that we are beacons of light through broken vessels. Namaste .

  11. Excellent article at moments it seemed i was writing my story with health and other issues all coming together tearing us down.
    However we are not alone. There is out OTHER SELF living in the Spiritual Realm. We live in the Material Realm. If we can Liberate (after awakening) that Self and uniting it with that Self in Spiritual Realm we become complete. The notion of other, or something completing us is a marketing gimmick to sell us the matrix of lies.
    Anyhow once complete we are as u said in Love, except its a constant state, its like coming out of 3 dimensional world to exist free of time(4D) and find urself complete in 5D state (momin)

    I penned similar thoughts here:

    https://ahmadmoeenuddin.wordpress.com/2012/08/24/freedom/

  12. one thing you did not touch upon, was the illusion of “you”. There were many references to “self”, but that is ever changing and transitory. Our perception of “I” also changes on a daily basis, according to new experiences and new knowledge. There is only the current perception, not a constant one.

  13. I saw and knew all this before… all the facades, false beliefs, all the ugliness and emptiness, yet I went on. I held similar deep spiritual beliefs of my own. I thought we were all valuable, all life meaningful.
    Then my world and my self were destroyed through a trauma, though I had my share of traumas before that didn’t tear me to shreds. My previously healthy ego turned into one of self hate. I went into such darkness for so long I stopped feeling.

    I’m still healing, 3 years later, unable to feel emotions, connections, all of it. I spent so long in the darkness and am only really emerging the past several months. I now find there is nothing but busy little bugs pretending they’re of some great importance.
    I struggle to exist in this world now. I still have to get up each day and care for my children. I have to exist in this lying realm of ridiculous systems. I am an unwilling participant, and very few comprehend.

    There has been no further revelation of deep anything… I had that all before my world caught fire. I see proclamations like this, that talk of deep awakening, that mock the false beliefs of the herd around them, and I see it as they see the others. Bumbling around in the dark with artificial light.
    There are no more illusions.

    • I understand you. I’ve been in a similar place, been through a dark night of the soul as the autor of the text and, althought I still have issues from the past to resolve I’m away different and better. In the past there was a lot of hate in me too. Hated myself, the world, politics, humans…then came the darkness, I couldn’t participate in the illussion, and I thought: this is the end. I thought: I’m gonna kill myself because I can’t bear this anymore, I’m gonna quit. And this was the beginning of the dark night. I had no energy, had no focus, had no dreams, no nothing. Just felt like going down and down, not knowing who I was anymore. Not worthy of nothing…It was a really difficult period, because the Ego begin to die, the illusions were percieved as so, and I felt I had nothing and I was nothing. This was the Ego feeling as is your Ego feeling too. Why self hate? I can tell you this: that that you feel for yourself is that that you’ll get from the world. You receive who you are. Perceive the wounds, perceive the mistakes, understand we all are imperfect humans that hurt each other through our EGO’s and forgive. Forgiveness will set you free. I’m still forgiving, and the more I forgive the more love, peace, real friendships, abundance and goodness I have in my life. 🙂 much love for you. please feel free to answer and discuss.

      • I did forgive, before. Easily. I held no blame or hate, but empathy. Now I don’t forgive but I don’t blame, either. There’s nothing there. I’ve nothing TO forgive. I have no hurt.

        When it changed I started to see myself as a naive fool. One who gullibly believed in signs and deeper meanings, that my previous love for all, and constant hopefulness, was unrealistic. That all the kindness, support, love, help, that I gave before, naturally, without question, was only taking from myself, my focus, my energy. It was exhausting and I’m not sure why I did it, why it was my natural inclination.
        I asked for nothing in return, and I got it.

        Most of my relationships were based on what I was doing and giving to others, and very few were actually there for me in any way. I started to remove ties of all who were toxic best I could.

        I had embraced my imperfectness before, my individuality, my constant awareness, until I saw it was a facade I created. I was content with myself before, now I can barely stand my own reflection.

        I saw that karma is not real. And all the prophetic dreams and funny little moments were really just random coincidences. That the universe doesn’t care. It’s all made up because I wanted to see it that way, so I did. My entire belief system was shattered. I questioned everything I experienced before as misconceptions or imaginative tricks.

        Once I stopped experiencing feelings I was able to see that I was viewing things through an emotional filter with a longing for something greater, a higher consciousness to explain away some bigger meaning, that doesn’t exist. A lovely false hope of belief.

        I started facing total reality of the cold, cruel, selfish, greedy, hateful, destructive environment we really live in with other people. I knew of it before but I fought against it, and didn’t accept it as reality. I thought they were lost and confused. I was wrong.
        The illusions all fell and I saw that I wasn’t good, but a clumsy, ugly, dreamer, who isn’t loved or remarkable in any way, and that’s fine. This strange drive we have where we insist we are special is just our ego pushing us to survive.

        I lost hope in the moral advancement of humankind and the utopia I longed for was absurd, childish wishes.

        The world as I knew it was yanked out beneath my feet. Who I was, no longer existed.

        My previous ideas weren’t selfish, the opposite in fact. I believed we were all connected, valuable, before. After, I found myself left with very little. I was angry at myself for being so wrong, so susceptible, for my entire life. Eventually it washed away and left numbness.

        I let go.

        Three years can be nothing and everything depending on your perspective. I’ve tried seeing signs a few times, spent a few weeks here and there trying to convince myself it still existed behind some thin veil that was now built up before me because of the trauma, but they so called signs are meaningless to me now. If some great cosmic ‘something’ wanted any of us to have love, joy, and peace in our lives, we’d have it. We wouldn’t have to go about lifting rocks searching for it, while our souls starve.

        I don’t mind, but probably because I’m not aware I feel a thing about it. I imagine the before-me would have felt a cataclysm of heartbreak to have my beliefs shattered.

        I could be wrong, but if anything, before was the dream and now I’ve awakened to the cold harsh reality of life, and I find that I’m tired. I wouldn’t dare take my own life, because it’s the only one I have.

        We, humans, have this peculiar habit of making things out to be so much bigger, now I see it’s okay just the way it is. There doesn’t have to be more. There doesn’t have to be some magical force in the beyond. We can still live as well as we can. There’s nothing wrong after all with having our feet on the ground. I spent many years in argument against it.
        Who knows, maybe it will change again, but for now it’s all very small and quiet.

    • I’ve been where you are. It took years through painful darkness while nobody really understood. I felt separate from others, separate from the world. I was numbe to feelings too. I did not see how to re-engage. But time does heal and you do come out on the other end. I too had had much enlightenment beforehand, to the point that it changed my career path. But I learned so much more by starting to pay attention to signs and messages during my painful dark period. Maybe I was grasping at straws, anything to help. But I became much more in tune spiritually to the energies and forces around me. As I did begin re-emerging, so much more became clear to me. I now have such a greater understanding of the world, and my role in it. This has been confirmed for me numerous ways as I have been guided. You may be in the process to learn so much more. You may have really optimistic things to learn and discover. Try to be open to that, wait, and pay attention. Good luck!

  14. Great article, and thanks for sharing! Awakening IS a destructive path. It is a path few have traveled but is nevertheless necessary if you are to clear away the layers of illusion, forged and imprinted from birth. To empty and absolve all that is known to witness the unconditional experience of oneness with nature and breathe in the essence of life. And then to birth the conscious mind and self by forming an authentic perspective, to contemplate the bicameral element of self and non-self, and then to choose. Maintaining a sense of structure and emptiness/nothingness. To feel the perpetual embrace and appreciation for being alive and involved in this wonderful experience we call life.

    • Beautifully written. I think however, it really depends on your habits and choices.

      I was living hell but read a book in 2013. This book started to change my behaviors and started to be Who I Am at a very young age. I became softer, warmer. But I wasn’t ready to let go of the ego back then.

      This whole year has been magical, but indeed it wasn’t until I was left broken hearted with my apartment all in candles waiting for someone I thought I needed to make my fairy life complete, that I learnt what Self Love meant. And there the journey started. But before that moment, I’ve been calling it forth with everything I was doing. So, when it came and I accepted it, cried down and got my shit together – not for the ego, but accepting Who I Am and acknowledging that I Am Love and I don’t lack any of What I Am was the moment the main lesson got learned. It’s been 6 weeks since that and I’m taking it all in, craving information, put a hold on my studies, started my own blog and connecting with like-minded people. And.. I’m kinda like a caveman. Mostly in my apartment searching and reading. You crave to know yourself once you awaken.

    • By accepting where you are at the present time, no matter how difficult it is. Work from that point. But again, that is my own personal experience. Everyone is unique

  15. I applied self-heimlich last year when choking alone. Saved myself. Three weeks later I had a severe mental/physical reaction to prescribed medication for chronic 14 yrs lyme disease and ended up ‘losing’ fifteen hours of time/memory/awareness and waking in a locked psych ward. I was living my personal most terrifying nightmare come true… and then I too, heard and felt a voice beside, behind my right ear that ‘said’ ,”You always have been, are now, and forever will be in the center of my Heart. You are home.” At that moment, a lifetime of fear from abuses, completely left my body, my heart, my mind…. I was completely a peace, pain free, and filled with an overflowing sensation of complete trust, in whatever…. that didn’t even enter my space. I got through the next four days piecing together how I ended up there, and learning many new ‘things’ about my Person, and my entire past life events. I carried this new inner joy and peace with me for the next seven months, never wavering. And then, my Mom suddenly died. And, my siblings attacked me for stating I was ‘sad no one had told me she was ill with cancer the past year(!), and that I had only gotten a text when she passed.’ And my Mom lived one mile from my house. After the attack, being physically restrained by four siblings when they started to verbally, and then emotionally attacking me I attempted to walk away from them, and they wouldn’t ‘allow me’ to assert my own independence and self-care…. Boy, did I really ‘wake up’ then!

    I was then led to research ‘malignant narcissist’ and all that dynamic entails…. and at the perfect ‘age’ of fifty-four I had the honor of fully waking up to what I was led to believe was wrong with me as their designated SCAPEGOAT, and every dysfunctional ‘system’ has one or more!!!!…. and now I really see what is ‘wrong’ and what is fully right with everything!!!!

    I learned my lessons from those who were placed into my life for my blessings of FEELING. And now, I know it is right and good to self-protect against that which can do harm…. it’s the knowing what that is that makes the difference. ‘Oh, a truck. I’ll step out of the way!” 🙂

    Life is now very different for me. I am completely HEALED in my Lyme illness, and I even healed both torn meniscus in each knee without surgery, doctors or medication. I am also healing naturally by my own abilities the seven bulging discs in my neck to lower back. Where I was unable to walk further than around my home just last December, I am now traveling all over the world and walking and even running! Just last year, I had been unable to think, or speak, or type…. due to the brain inflammation from the Bartonella, and now I am doing all of the above with even greater agility and ability than pre-tick borne illnesses!!!! HOW!? 🙂 And, why ME? I now ask, “Why NOT me!?”

    What is this ‘life’ that we are living? It is everything, and nothing. Just as we are, too. I am all that I believe myself to BE, and everything I don’t believe. Therefore, I am every thing that was, is and shall be, in every dimension and thought and deed. I AM. I choose what feels good now.

  16. I think I’m experiencing something similar myself.
    From a few months now I’m against everything that I believed to be the right path, now I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m lost.
    I feel truth inside me, I hate lie like never before, I feel that every thing that I was doing until now is pointless for this world and God.
    But at the same time I don’t really now what I should be doing…

    • I feel you Alex. This is a good path you are on. This is something that has helped me.
      w ww.youtube.com/watch?v=rvbqTteof50&list=PL80D542014311942B&index=26

  17. I don’t know what’s happening… I just know something is! Scared, sad, mad, happy, peaceful, nervous, brave, alone & connected all at the same time! Nothing will ever be the same. Which is exactly what ego is afraid of. This is a trip…

  18. Something that has helped me greatly in answering life’s biggest questions.
    w ww.youtube.com/watch?v=rvbqTteof50&list=PL80D542014311942B&index=26

  19. Thank you for your honest report. I believe I truly understand what you have been through, as I also experienced the total shattering of my Self, as well as true darkness and hopelessness. It makes me reflect on the fact that depression might be a blessing for those who experience it, provided they are strong enough to see it as an opportunity to dig deep into their self and find the light. When you find it life will never be the same again, as true wisdom and courage will be part of you forever. You need to have trust in time, because time is your best ally in that search.

  20. sooooo TRUUUUUEEEEE I thought the world would celebrate with me but no one cared and less than a few knew or understood so I lived my life alone for a year just shifting on my own with one relative helping me at intervals – we had met online but even until now not in person and she is the only person in my life who truly understands

  21. Jesus Christ! I’ve just read what happened to me this past year. Love is everything we are all so loved but most of us don’t know. It feels like being born again, this love is pushing me forward telling me evolve, expand your consciousness, love who you are.

  22. I too am going through this right now. Through talk therapy I have learned that I put many facades and false perceptions in place to shield myself from the realness of my past. I kept fighting, traveling in this spiritual journey only to find myself crumbling again. Trying to fight the anxiety that has taken over by body. Fighting would bring on a new symptom of physical side effects from me trying to push it down even further. Something had to change..

    It is finally now i am finding out real truths, and allowing myself to explore into all of the this that I tried so hard to stuff Inside. I am so vulnerable right now and feeling things I have never allowed myself to experience. The truth hurts so badly, but am ready for peace. Peace for my tired body that is so exhausted from trying to keep it together while dying on the inside.

    Thank you for sharing this, I am so thankful ?

  23. I’m only 18 but i struggled with severe depression/anxiety since i was 13. In the past 3-4 years I’ve gotten into Buddhism and wanting to find peace within myself, i did and I taught myself how to control my anger problems and over thinking. I really overcam a lot, i felt a big difference in myself, my mind and body, the people i grew up around noticed and some even told me they could feel it. Recently I’ve had to move away from everyone that i knew, for school and also because my living situation was becoming very bad and unhealthy I started having a lot of issues with my mom and step father it was becoming quite physically and emotionally abusive. I’m in a better living environment but i feel as if I’m losing myself and the things I’ve taught to myself and i cant figure out why or how to get it back. I have been feeling less connected to myself, my spirituality and my surroundings and it is frustrating me. I’m not sure if its because I’m in a new place with new people but I’m just feeling really disconnected and not sure what do to.

  24. I work a lot with chakra-opening exercises and procedures. I charge very little (if anything) for it – just slip it into normal yoga classes. It is one of the fastest routes to enlightenment (and a painful enough journey for those who do the classes honestly). The author of this article probably speaks from ignorance about the chakras —- and is ignorance not like directly the opposite of enlightenment? 😉

  25. Dear Greg, thank you for sharing this some time ago. I like it. To me happenend the awakening very similar – exacly then, when I really gave up fighting, letting myself break down and forgave myself at the same time. The main feeling after was gratefulness. My way since then feels peaceful and lonely at the same time, not always easy. In companion of other awake people I feel joy because they know the deep connection between us all. Thank you and all the best. Love Daniela

  26. Thank you so much for writing this post, I read this lying on my bed, lost but not alone. My darkest night is coming, I feel that. I thought it came two years ago but I have fallen from Grace since then. I wish to accept the suffering, to give it room, you’re words have given me comfort and encouragement to just allow my grief to exist. Thank the universe and God who fled through you for this beautiful gift xxxx

  27. It has been a long “Dark night” and no end in sight, but this article helped immensely.. I read it once before and had forgotten under all the loss and self reflection and fear of what I would find out about me.. Ego is a evil controlling ass..lol…Thanks for the story about your experience

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  29. I could have written something very similar to this article. I went through mostly the same awakening process. The voice I heard when my life started to collapse, in 2003, said “Manon, repent”. I spent 8 years, from 2007 to 2015, in complete darkness: I had no hope at all and couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I did many suicide attempts during those years. I was angry, full of hatred. I hated myself and everybody. I couldn’t accept the mistakes I had made in my life, the way I had lived it. My surrender came in the form of accepting to give myself a chance, feeling that I might have paid enough for my “sins” after having spent so many years in a complete hell, and finally having the humility to ask God for help. I said the Serenity Prayer (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”) only once but truly meaning each word of it. I started forgiving myself and accepting my past 2 or 3 days later. I took about a month to review my whole life and to look at it with new eyes, with a new understanding, and with lots of compassion. I cried it all out once and for all. It was relieving (re-living?). I felt I was born again from the spirit. I was completely renewed and completely different. I left everything behind and moved about 5,000 km away from where I was at that time. I finally had the wisdom and the courage to listen to my soul and to follow my heart. I found my true self during this awakening process and developed compassion for myself and for others. It filled me with love and gratefulness. I am now surrounded by people I love and who love me in return. With God’s help, I found the way out of hell. I now live in paradise.

  30. It’s a beautiful thing to not be alone! It was such a relief reading this and all of the comments. True freedom is knowledge, but painful too. Like when you know the truth about Santa Clause as a kid, times 10. Thankyou!

  31. I AM going through this myself. I do feel alone at times. It is so worth it though as I shed layers of my ego and get down to where my pain stems from. I FEEL so much lighter and happier now!

  32. You awake from one dream into another, into another, into another… There’s pleasant dreams and there’s horrible dreams (and mixtures of those). Some dreams last a lifetime, most don’t. Think about it, if only the Self is real and the Self has no desires (it just is), then the desire to meet/become/remain the Self (or yourSelf) is not the Self itSelf, right?

    The whole matter (no pun intended) is similar to all other ‘big questions’ and the attempts to solve life’s riddles: Evolution Theory or Creationism/Intelligent Design? Random events leading to complex living ‘systems’ (like humans) or is there some sort of ‘Creator’ behind it all? Material logic suggests everything just happens at random (good or bad luck, so to speak) and points at ‘time and natural selection’ as being all that is needed to account for the baffling complexity (and beauty, but also horror) we see around us. Of course the evolutionist cannot explain how life came into existence, neither can science account for what was there before the ‘Big Bang’ (‘Nothing’ is just another cop out). Spiritual explanations also follow that kind of logic: trace your(real)self by peeling of the layers of the non(real)self… What’s left is the real Self… But how come there’s anything other than the Self in the first place? I know, that’s a dualistic question and can only come from the (ignorant) mind… Says who?

    Awakening is indeed a destructive process and in my mind it’s as much driven by desire (chasing happiness or trying to avoid/leave behind bad stuff) as are all ‘quests’ in this world. I do believe there are no real questions (so also no real answers), that somehow life is a ‘set up’/mystery, intimately connected with me, and the astonishment of this realization is my happiness.

  33. My awakening started in 2012. for the first time i was really looking in the mirror in what seemed somewhat like an NDE experience or a trance because i felt like i was dying maybe due to lack of proper interpretation of what was happening. i had a trance and i was being dragged for judgement, i felt feelings whose existence i could never have fathomed in this life time, the most distinctive was utter fear of being cut of from eternal source and regret for a life poorly spent. the feeling was mind numbing. in a narration of my own voice, i was telling of a story of my own eternal demise, it was agonizing, the following months I would tear down the whole internet looking for people with similar experiences just to make sure i wasn’t going boinkers and boy did i .. indulge my curiosity. i got more than i bargained for. from there it took me 3 more years before the real deal. i went on to read 50 books the majority of which were on spiritual knowledge, the law of attraction, the subconscious mind and start your own business and etc. fast forward, in too deep down the rabbit hole, my manifestation abilities are really awesome, i have attracted lot’s of experiences in my life, awakened people,I have done energy healing, hypnosis, psychics, all in the search of my life purpose. i am attracting ridiculous synchronicity and basically miracles are all around me, from thinking some really unreal things and they happen within hours to interacting with my higher self/guides or whatever you call them and getting unbelievably incredible information and warnings. i have gone through my second wave of the dark-night of the soul but despite all these things happening, i’m contemplating suicide. just like the author, i just broke up with my sweet heart and she’s the only person i have in the world, and I’ve never been so lonely in my life. I lost my dad at around 3, immediately my mom set me up adoption with my uncle, who had a son of his own(same age) i quickly started taking a tremendous physical, psychological, emotional abuse from his wife, God bless her soul. Fear became the order of the day and before long, we had established that i wasn’t a very valuable part of the household and so i learned my position. As you may have guessed, my self esteem and confidence took a major beating. I withdrew from any kids activities, shrunk to make room and took solace in isolation. i was always lurking in the shadows, and for the following years there was this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach(fear). I learned how to lose and compromise willingly. After a few years came a war that killed many people and i was handed over to another family and the abuse doubled, It didn’t take long before i had a nervous breakdown and completely shut down all motor activities, i literally became a mute for a while. i endured lot’s of ridicule and soon lack of self assurance rendered me completely retarded. at 27, as my awakening purges on, i have nobody, living alone and having no family sucks. sometime it feels like ending it is better.

  34. Thanks for this article.
    I’m still going through it at the moment… Pretty much everything came crashing down bout two three months ago. First it was the business, money all gone so lost my place and ended up homeless which made my fiance run the other way (I don’t blame her)… Now I’m living on the streets with huge debt to my name. I became spiritual when all of this started to happen.. Did all that mediating etc etc…praying and stuff. When I hit rock bottom… Which was the first night on the streets.. Boy did I curse GOD for a straight week. It’s been a few days since I last ate…yeah I’m back to basics… And don’t have much now besides the clothes on my back, phone and free WiFi and sleeping bag… But I’m mentally in a better place and happier than I was a few months ago when i had everything that I wanted.
    For some reason.. I know everything will be okay and that puts a smile on my face everyday.
    I got to learn more things about myself and the world in the last few months than I ever did going to school. I knew deep down when I was a kid.. School was useless… Only to find out they were teaching us fault shit.
    Whoever I’ve told what I’m going through thinks I’m a nut case so I keep to myself. I’ve always kept to myself so i find it easy been alone and im fine with that.
    Once again thanks for the article. Good to know I’m not the only nutter out there 😉

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