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What if You Never Find ‘The One’?

By Heidi Priebe on Wednesday October 26th, 2016

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Daring to Ask the Forbidden Question

Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.

What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?

That’s a sad thing that I’m asking you to think of, I’m aware. You’ve been hoping to meet “The One” for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You’re not fanciful like everyone else. You don’t believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope for that. We’re human.

Because here’s the thing about finding love – it affects us constantly. And we all loathe admitting it, but love is on the forefront of our actions, even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds. It’s the reason you bought those new jeans last week. It’s the reason you went to that barbecue that you didn’t want to go to last weekend. It’s the reason you sometimes feel cripplingly insecure and inadequate and scared about everything that’s coming next. Love is what inspires most of your greatest changes.

Love is on the forefront of our actions even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds.Love is on the forefront of our actions, even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds.

What Would Change?

So if you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?

Your first inclination may be to say “nothing.” After all, you’re a smart person. You have plans that don’t involve someone else’s influence. We all do. But ponder it a few moments more. Because here’s what we don’t want to admit about love: it is a crutch that we use all the time. The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

If you knew that love would never be an option for you, what would be? How would you structure the rest of your life? Would it have a heavier focus on career, a stronger inclination toward success? Or would you use the time to invest in yourself – go on a few more vacations, travel further outside your comfort zone? If you knew that you would never again feel the rush of budding romance, where would you turn to for your thrills? How would you get your blood pumping?

And what about your other relationships – would they suddenly take on more weight? Would you spend more time appreciating your family, if you knew that they are the people who will have loved you the most strongly at the end of your life? What about your friendships? Would you nurture and care more for the people who love you platonically if you knew that nobody would ever love you romantically? Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?

Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?

Embracing the Freedom

My inclination is to believe that never finding love would be a game-changer for most of us. One we’d initially consider to be devastating but may eventually realize is the ultimate liberation. Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else. Love holds us back in an infinite amount of subtle ways that perhaps we do not even realize. And the guarantee of its absence may just be the ultimate sense of liberation.

Because if we didn’t have to search for the love of our lives, we would finally be free to realize that we are allowed to be the loves of our own. That we can spend our lives developing ourselves, challenging ourselves, pampering ourselves and building ourselves up to be bigger, more capable people than we ever once hoped to become. We could become everything we’ve been searching for. We could construct our soul mates in ourselves.

img1We could become everything we’ve been searching for.

What You Need to Do

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that’s the only thing you know for sure – that through every triumph, every failure, every fear, and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your own hand when you’re broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don’t know what are.

We have to start appreciating all that we bring to our own lives. Because the ironic truth is, you are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting. When you’re living your life confidently, freely, and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. The kind of energy that’s capable of transforming, not just your own life, but the lives of people around you.

So stop looking for ‘The One’ to spend the rest of your life with. Be ‘The One’.

And let everybody else come searching for you.

~~~~

Read Next: How to Hold Space for Yourself

Featured Image: Ana Luísa Pinto

How do you feel about this article? Join the conversation.

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Words By Heidi Priebe

Originally posted on Ideaspots

 

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comments

  • Pinkie-Dawn

    I have issues with this question, because if you don’t find “the one,” then you’re putting your family bloodline at risk. What if you’re related to someone famous and want that bloodline to survive for generations? It’s not finding love also the reason why Japan is suffering from a declining population, which would eventually lead to their own extinction.

  • Rob

    I agree with the sentiment, especially the final sentence “So stop looking for ‘The One’ to spend the rest of your life with. Be ‘The One’.” I love that. Interestingly enough, when in a good long term relationship, this should also be your goal. Relying on someone else to be your other half will never bring you happiness, or bring happiness to the one you are with. So if you are looking for love with this intention, you are never going to find ‘the one’ anyway because energetically, you are going to repel any mate that wants a good LTR.

    Perhaps you need to look at how you define ‘Love’ first. Because the attitude of finding ‘your other half’ isn’t love. Its dependence.

    • RLMcCoy

      Oh, Rob! That last line is good!

  • Shon Kemp

    I think that waiting to win the lottery is similar and fills the role of love walking through the door for many.and for many it’s a more realistic device for modern slavery. Smiles lol

  • Beth Welch Okonczak

    Yes!

  • Bill Howard

    I don’t think it’s about ‘finding love’ exactly – I think it’s more like ‘finding your one true love’ that causes the trouble – when I stopped looking for my ‘one true love’ I suddenly discovered that everybody loves me! Duh!

  • Kirinori

    I agree on many point with this post because most of people (not excluding myself here) are so eager to find what they call ‘the one’ or ‘true love’ and use it as an excuse to not better themselves (stated in this post) or do/not do certain things. What I don’t agree on is what you call love. In my opinion, finding a person you want to spend your life with or trying to find that person is not bad, in case you don’t focus solely on that and forget about yourself or that ‘search’ keeps you from achieving things you always wanted. In the very end, you (whoever is reading my comment) and I are both ‘products’ of love and so are many people around the world.
    I think this post made some really good points about ‘finding the love of life’ but don’t agree with how it treats that particular concept.

  • truth
  • Joanna

    I came to the understanding that I might never find love again and at the age of 62 gave up my business, divested myself of everything I own and left my friends and family to travel across the country to go back to school. I didn’t know a soul in California and 3 years later I have graduated and have been sparked back to life again! I recommend it highly!

  • keljon

    Lol. Chrystal ball? I have a mirror that tells me that. You just keep on doing the best you can do, with whatever you’re doing. No deep mystery to that.

  • Claire Elek

    I’m open to the possibility and hoping for it, but at the same time I’m going on with my life. No, I don’t think that I would live my life any differently than I do now because I would want someone who would want the best for me also.

  • butwhatdoikno

    This reminds me of a poem I read in a paper years ago.

    The time will come
    when, with elation
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door
    in your own mirror
    and each will smile
    at the other’s welcome
    and say
    sit here
    eat.
    You will love again
    the stranger
    who was yourself.
    Give wine
    Give bread
    Give back your heart
    to itself
    to the stranger
    who has loved you
    all your life
    whom you ignored
    for another,
    who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters
    from the bookshelf
    the photographs
    the desperate notes
    peel your own image
    from the mirror
    Sit-Feast on your life.

    Joseph Walcott (Nobel laureate)

  • Homyak Jcugai

    This is wonderful☺ However some of us are programmed to keep looking due to the way they were raised and their beliefs. For some of us looking for love is an INSPIRATION. Yes you can have different passions in life and be content with your parents and friends as a safety net…but!!! YOU WILL NEVER discover the most amazing and daring things about YOURSELF untill you fall in love. Love motivates me greatly.

  • Florencia

    Even though I enjoyed reading the article and naturally we all saw ourselves in some lines, I still don’t get how this self empowerment article ended up in ‘ do this and your love will come your way’.
    I strongly believe one should be one’s love not because of the outcome, but because the process is mind blowing.

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