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What is Normal Sex?

By Stanley Siegel on Monday December 5th, 2016

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How Can We Look At Sexuality Differently?

Sexual behavior is something that by its very nature defies normalization. It is such a unique experience of alchemy with so many variants, it is difficult to quantify the experience.

In Psychology, efforts to standardize “normality” have led to the creation of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA), attempt to label and codify much of so-called dysfunctional behaviour, clustering it into diagnostic categories in relation to agreed-upon definitions of “normal.” The newly published–and deeply conceptually flawed–DSM-V medicalizes problems or symptoms caught in its net, forcing clinicians to make distinctions that trivialize individuality and creativity and lead to unneeded treatments and drug prescriptions –a goldmine for pharmaceutical companies. It creates medical disorders based on questionable science.

Alt text hereThe introduction of the DSM and the APA have made Pharmaceutical companies the true beneficiaries

How Do We Define What is ‘Normal’ in relation to sex?

Definitions of “normality” should have no authority in psychological assessments because they create a dangerous standard by which to judge human behavior in and out of the consultation room. Mental health professionals use it to pathologize, and religious leaders to demonize behavior outside the norm without consideration or respect for social and familial context, or how symptoms function as a creative solutions. A problem or symptom can only be understood and decoded within the context of the patient’s unique life experience.

Alt text hereConversion Therapy was introduced to ‘cure’ homosexuality

Sexual behavior especially defies normalization. Every sexual experience is inherently different because it draws upon the individual and cultural history of the participants as well as how they come together at a particular moment in time. Yet, diagnostic categories for so-called “unhealthy”, “deviant” or “perverse” sexual behavior have been standardized in the DSM from its earliest publication. These diagnosis have too often served as the justification for dangerous treatments such as Conversion Therapy in which homosexual patients are taught heterosexual behavior. Yet, what had been vigorously defended for decades as psychological “truth,” was later cast aside. In 1973 homosexuality was eliminated from the DSM; other categories of sexual behavior once considered deviant have undergone a similar fate as values and attitudes toward sex have changed. Still, the DSM-V continues to invent new sexual categories such as Hypoactive Sexual Disorder– the lack of sexual interest–a diagnosis for which pharmaceutical companies are racing to create medications that work to increase women’s sexual desire.

Alt text hereCould monogamy be the cause for the loss of sexual desire?

Though solid findings have shown that flagging sexual interests are more likely the result of long term monogamous relationship, many psychologists continue to promote the idea that women have lower sex drives because they are hardwired to want children and not necessarily sex. On the contrary, monogamous relationships act like “cultural cages” that confine natural sexual desire.

Even hormonal decreases during menopause can be overridden when a woman takes a new lover.

Is a diagnosis of Hypoactive Sexual Disorder the result of some bio/psychological indifference as the DSM-V proposes, or is it monogamy itself that results in the loss of sexual desire?

The Debate on Sexual Fantasies

Even our sexual thoughts are not beyond professional judgment. Ideas about the role that sexual fantasies play in our lives have been intensely debated among psychologists. While sexual fantasies are now considered a universal experience, Freud and other early psychoanalysts believed that sexual fantasies resulted from feelings of deprivation in the absence of sexual satisfaction. Many experts still maintain this view, further reasoning that certain types of fantasies are signs of pathology. For them, fantasies involving a patient’s sexual submissiveness, for instance, are viewed as a deeper symptom of “masochism” because they are assumed to lower self-esteem.

Alt text hereThere is much debate surrounding the oppression of our sexual fantasies

Some psychotherapists and sexologists say sexual fantasies should never be acted out because such activity might serve as a stepping stone to further pathological, antisocial or even violent behavior. There is no evidence to support the notion that acting out fantasies will lead to violent behavior.

These views are less about understanding than policing sex. Along with religious fundamentalists who preach that sexual fantasies are sinful and strictly prohibited by the bible, the field of psychology has contributed to forms of sexual oppression that have resulted in widespread feelings of shame and confusion.

Far from pathological, our deepest sexual desires reflect our unique histories and are as original and varied as we are as people. They represent subconscious attempts to resolve childhood conflicts or to satisfy unmet needs by turning painful feelings into pleasurable ones through eroticizing them. Our fantasies, whatever they may be, are windows into our deepest psyche. They have value and purpose that can safely and intelligently be used to create a gratifying and meaningful sexual life.

Alt text hereOur sexual desires could be a subconscious attempt to turn our unpleasant childhood experiences into pleasurable ones

Sex can be hollow, repetitive, and preoccupy us just like many other life experiences–like unfulfilling work or meaningless relationships–especially when we have repressed or denied our deepest desires. Yet, running the work treadmill or following the daily rituals of marriage are considered necessary and normal parts of life; no diagnostic category exists for them. But when it comes to sex, we use pathologizing language like “sexual compulsive” and “sexual addict” to describe similar ritualized behavior.

The field of psychology has strayed far from its origins a little more than a century ago when extraordinarily creative thinkers developed theories and practices based on actual experience with patients rather than experiments run in universities by graduate students. There has been much lost to psychology by its attempts to legitimize itself through questionable scientific studies and speculation that reduces human behavior to codes and categories. It has taken on the job of modifying, medicalizing and erasing “deviant” behavior in the name of “health.”

Alt text hereCategorizing and labelling people only limits deeper understanding, and therefore the potential for growth

Sexually speaking, we can reverse the corrosive influence of definitions of socially acceptable behavior by making a conscious attempt to understand accept and honor the true nature of our unique sexuality. If we can achieve authenticity by aligning our sexual behavior with our fantasies and desires, we can permanently change our relationship to ourselves and satisfy a host of deeper needs. We can reclaim rejected, repressed or abandoned parts of ourselves and integrate them into our essence, which is so crucial to our sense of well-being. By challenging socially constructed values of “normal,” we will arrive at our own set of moral values and obligations that derive from self-knowledge and self-acceptance. By honoring all of our desires, we do not demonize their difficult aspects. Rather, we instead accept ourselves in all our human complexity.

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Words By Stanley Siegel

Originally posted on Psychology Tomorrow

 

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