Awakening is a Destructive Process

By Greg Calise on Sunday September 13th, 2015

Image: Paige Bradley

There is No Easy Road to Enlightenment

Enlightenment is a destructive process.
 has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier.
Enlightenment is the

crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing
through the facade of pretense. It’s the
complete eradication of everything we
imagined to be true.
– Adyashanti

Make no bones about it, awakening is not a walk in the park. It is a ride through hell. It is the tearing down of all of your cherished beliefs and everything you thought about yourself. There is no way around this. In The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, they had to enter into the Mirkwood Forest to get to their destination. There was no other way for them. It was not a walk in the park. Likewise, we must enter the shadowlands, and come face to face with our shadows. It is there that our false ideas of who we are can be shattered. It is there that all of our false beliefs are destroyed. We must face these false notions and see them for what they are. This is the only way to heal, to become whole again, to live in integrity.

My good friend, Julie Anne gave a good description of this process in Enlightenment. It is a complete surrender, a process of brutal self honesty. It is a path of complete acceptance of the truth, no matter how difficult it is to bear. I still remember it vividly.

We go through life with so many false notions – of the world, of spirituality and of ourselves. We build up masks and we believe the facades. It’s all a charade. It is all based upon illusions and deceit. We deceive ourselves at every moment, and the world also deceives us at every moment. We live in perpetual cognitive dissonance, justifying the most absurd things in our minds. We constantly lie to ourselves…. and we believe it.

To awaken to the truth that you seek, you must tear down the lies.

But we are too attached to the lies. We want to hold on to the illusions and to become enlightened at the same time. That is not possible. But there are hundreds of phony gurus and ‘spiritual teachers’ that will tell you it is. They offer you processes to become happy, fulfilled, calm, find your soulmate, be positive, get the right job, make lots of money, balance the chakras, become healthy and whatever else you may be desiring. This has nothing to do with awakening. This is only polishing the ego. They all lead you right back into the matrix. You may even be lucky enough to get a golden cage, but it is still a cage, and you remain imprisoned in slavery. This is the road that most people choose to follow. This road is well traveled by the herd.

The path to awakening
The path to awakening.

The Road to Truth and Freedom

It takes courage, discernment, and self-honesty to walk the Siddhartha road to truth and freedom. Not many people have that. We have been weakened by the onslaught of programming since our childhood. Most people want to remain in the herd, as they find comfort in the company of other deluded souls. It takes a certain individual to break free of the herd. The Siddhartha road is not easy. It is a treacherous road that will shatter every part of your existence. No, it takes a certain type of person to walk that road; a person that is willing to give up everything to find his true Self.

My story was one that took me through so many paths to nowhere; detours, dead ends and off of cliffs. I had to eventually be dragged, kicking and screaming through the abyss by Grace herself, for me to awaken. It was simply my time.

Now the strange thing about this, is that worse things have happened to me before, so why did this hit me so hard? I believe because it was supposed to, for me to transform. I took everything much harder than I ever did before. Also, everything came crashing down at once. In the past, I was strong, and I kept my sense of self, of who I thought I was. But this time, my sense of self, who I thought I was, gave up. I stopped trying to be strong. I just collapsed.

Falling apart
Everything came crashing down at once.

Yes, I remember it well. My entire life story collapsed overnight. My girlfriend of five years ran off with another man. And she lived across the street. So every morning I would look out the window to see his van, just to rub it in. I kept saying, “There must be a purpose for this.” My health collapsed, my business collapsed, and those that I thought were my friends were not. I was alone. I tried to be in denial, grabbing straws as I was being dragged down into the abyss. My world around me collapsed, but so did my self-worth, self-esteem and my false ego. I felt unloved and abandoned. My life story shattered.

In the Depths of Darkness

I was left in this darkness for some time; four months. In that time, I was slowly being dismantled, as I had to face the hard cold facts. I had to be brutally honest with myself. Eventually, I came to the point of realizing that I hated my broken body, I hated the world, I hated myself, and I really hated god. Yes, I was very angry at him. He abandoned me. I felt the entire world abandoned me. It wasn’t fair. I threw out everything spiritual in my house. I was facing my darkness with brutal honesty. I sat with that for a while. Imagine the despair of seeing what lies hidden behind your persona, behind the lies you tell yourself daily.

And then a very powerful voice spoke to me. From where this voice came from, I do not know. It said, “Just surrender to the suffering.” That was it. So I thought about it. I realized that I was not accepting what was happening to me. I was fighting it. I was trying to push away the suffering, but it was obviously not working. So I followed the message, and surrendered to the suffering, that which is.

This continued for two weeks, right through Christmas. I felt so rejected, so abandoned, so alone. The pain of being stripped naked in the frigid cold, with no hope in sight. But I accepted what was happening. I was no longer trying to push it away. The suffering felt endless, yet I endured it. I don’t even know how to explain it. And then on the morning of January 1, 2004, I woke up. Not to a new year, but a new life. The suffering was gone, all was forgiven, and I was at peace. A peace that I had never known before. That which I thought I was no longer existed. My false perception of Self vanished. I remember the singing of the birds, the sun entering through the window, and everything around me was seen in a new light – a light of awe and amazement. My mind had ceased its chatter, I was experiencing a very deep peace.

Heart released
Shattering the illusions and deceptions of the world

And then it started – wave after wave of revelations, of deep knowings. I began to awaken to who I Am. I became acutely aware that I Am eternal and sovereign. Each wave awakened me more to my deepest Self. Each wave also shattered the illusions and deceptions of the world. As I awakened, my eyes saw a very different world. All the pieces fell into place. Someday I will describe the many revelations that flooded over me. I have already written much about it.

Divine Connection

The largest wave came a couple of weeks into this. I was meditating, and I went so deep, following the river of life to the depths of my Being. I was empty, but then from this emptiness, a powerful divine love sprang forth, inundating my entire mind and body. This love is unconditional. It spread out from me everywhere. All of the bugs, the lizards, the birds, the plants, the trees, everything was inundated with this love. I could not tell where I ended and the other Beings began. We were all intrinsically connected with this love; and yet my individual Self remained. I was not the bugs, the birds or the plants, but the connection was so deep, that I felt they were as if a part of me. There was simultaneously separation and no separation. It is not easy to describe, but this divine love is nothing like the love of this world.

But when you do awaken, and you do see the world with new eyes, you soon realize that no one else is seeing the same thing. I tried to tell a few people what had happened to me, but no one believed me. They thought that perhaps I cracked under the pressure of suffering and had gone crazy. No one wanted to hear anything I said, as it exposed their false beliefs. So I remained quiet for eight years.

I awoke, only to find the rest of the world still sleeping. – Leonardo daVinci

How can I possibly explain something so deep, beyond the mind, where people have no concepts or understanding? What I woke up to I call Knowings, as opposed to knowledge. Knowledge comes from outside of the Self, either from the world or from ‘up above.’ Knowings are who you are. It is not new information, but rather an awakening to your true Self. Someone who has not awakened to his true Self has a difficult time understanding. They believe it is just knowledge, a different set of beliefs. Therefore people say things like, “That is your idea of Truth. It’s different from mine.” or “There is no absolute Truth, only relative truths.” They think they are only my beliefs. It is quite pointless to explain this to people because all they know is beliefs. So I remain alone, with but a few friends that have experienced their own dark night of the soul, and awakened to their true Self, if sometimes only a glimmer. That is all it takes for one to see that there is a deep consciousness separate from the vast majority of people.

Walking back to self
Walking on that road alone.

On the Road to the Self

When one decides to take the Siddhartha road to the Self, he soon realizes he is alone on that road. The herd is going in the opposite direction. One must be prepared for that, to find comfort in being alone, not understood by others.

I cannot take any credit for my awakening. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, grasping straws. No, I take no credit. It was by Grace alone.

Grace is within you. Grace is your Self. Grace is not something to be acquired from others. If it is external, it is useless. All that is necessary is to know its existence is in you. You are never out of its operation. – Ramana Maharshi

As Eckhart Tolle has stated, you don’t have to wait for the dark night of the soul to dismantle your false notions, your false self, your life story. You can consciously take that road. But it demands courage, discernment, and brutal honesty of yourself. The mind is a very tricky opponent and will deceive you at every step, as your awakening is the end of its control over you. But it can be done. Nisargadatta Maharaj did it. You must simply allow Grace to act within you.

As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. – Eckhart Tolle

So the choice rests with each of you. No one can do this for you. All I, or anyone else, can offer you are signposts, pointing in the direction. But you, and you alone, must take that road. It does little good to read my writings and not act upon them, to not take that road yourself. Otherwise, you are only hanging out at the signposts, believing that you have already arrived at the destination.

This road is not for the timid or the faint of heart. not at all. But there is no other road. No one will simply wave a magic wand over you. It is a road of destruction and the question is, “How much are you willing to give up? How much can you endure?” Because on this road, you must give up everything. Every piece of you will shatter. Can you endure that? As the great Bhaktivinode Thakur has written, “You must die to live.” So how serious are you? How much do you want it? How much will you pay for it?

How do you feel about this article? Join the conversation.




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252 Responses to Awakening is a Destructive Process

  1. I am going through the exact same phase. I have been doing everything for self betterment. I have a spiritual guide but thing is that I developed feelings for him and these feelings became destructive for his daily activities. He decided that he will not help me anymore. I have been doing everything ge told me byt still my shadow qualities overpowered and is causing destruction. I have become very angry with God as all Im doing hasnt brought any change in me despite that I am doing everything from meditation to mantras to having a positive mindset. What is the problem with me??

    • The problem with you is that you see a ‘problem’ where I see a delicate flower in bloom. And the self-awareness and self-realisation can be painful – growth can be Temporarily difficult. But do not give up. Set your sail for kindness and all will be well. Much love and courage. Paul and Team UPLIFT

  2. Also I found some comfort in something I found of these things and the message to me was to turn the screens off and I realized that I had been for years been asleep or in a kind of sleep like everyone else because of this phone and television. Yet I am so isolated I feel it’s the only way to reach out to anyone that may be able to help me comprehend what is going on.

    • I feel totally alone at this moment. No one, and I mean no one in my life has felt what I feel, knows what I know and travelled my path to get to where I find myself at this moment. Sometimes, like today, I get so tired of living in a world of people that seem so asleep. I’m at a low point today and just needed to tell someone who may understand.

      • Clare,

        I know how what it’s like to feel that alone. My life has been different from yours, yes, but I hear you.

        I hope you find solace, peace and wholeness very soon. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable heart.

        Team UPLIFT

    • I know what you mean Hud. It’s easy enough to disconnect from it ourselves but when the vast majority is still hooked in, it can feel very isolating to walk a different path. Perhaps you are here to lead by example, to show others that there is another way to live, a way that’s fulfilling and wholesome?

      Sending you much love and strength.

      Team UPLIFT

  3. My problem. I’m a Christian and woke up by mistake. My problem is I have been struggling with 2 versions of God. I only follow one God Jesus but they both answered by the same name. I’m pulled to picking one or the other. Until one took on the name of Lucifer. Now I’m battling demonic attacks but still being unsure if I’m getting it right. It’s hard because I feel like it messed up my relationship with God. I dont know how to surrender without fear of ending up on the wrong team accidentally. I like to help people but for some reason I get accused of being evil. The night is too dark. It is pretty scary. TV personalities are talking to me now. I overanalyze and read too much into everything and I can’t see my way out. Is there a chance one could fail at awakening? What would that look like?

    • I can only offer my personal very human experience. I am fragile sometimes and have also felt lost and confused and full of self-doubt. In those moments I always seem professional help for my mental and emotional well-being. It’s okay for me to start with, ‘I’m lost again and I need help!’

      In my experience the asking for the help is a great start. And again, in my experience, we cannot fail at awakening, we can only fail at remembering who we truly are – made from the light of God.

      Much love and clarity to you. Paul and Team UPLIFT

    • Did you ever feel stripped of soul and heart feelings. Numb? I myself was pulled back and forth between me and Jesus. Something wanted me to go between love and hate and live and die. Till i went numb. In total fear and music speaking to me. In darkness. I feel i failed. I feel i dont glow anymore.It even spoke to me and said that. I started praying again and it helped the pain. But still empty. I went to a healer just to feel again. The darkness said i went to the wrong side. My soul was easy to steal. Is my soul still there or not. I have a weird sickness over me i cant control. Been to dr. No issues. But its pulled me back to religion. But my mind and soul fight against it. I was at full peace when i awakened. Then it pulled me into religion of love hate live die. I thought suicide was the way out. I would swear on it. But i never did. Then one day i woke up emoty cudnt feel love or joy. I become sick and in fear of all fear for months. Until i seen the healer. Now i feel trapped no way out or to regain my light or inner self. Im losing strength and hope. Any suggestions? Im beyond exhausted. I feel im nothing now. Like i dont belong. I miss my glow and inner peace

  4. Thank you Greg. Your words have helped me immensely through this life-altering and challenging process. I find myself revisiting your page often. Thank you also for introducing me to Adyashanti; his guidance has also been invaluable to me on this journey. May peace be with you. Love and Light, DL [email protected]

    • Can anyone help me?

      2 years ago I hit the biggest brick wall I have ever come across. I’ve always been spiritual and some soft yoga etc. what happened to me I cannot explain even to some yogi people. I suddenly realised everything around me and everything I was doing wasn’t real, wasn’t serving me at all, after 43 years. None of it, ego driven relationships, wanting and needed things I thought I needed. It literally makes me cry now thinking of it. It’s so hard to describe, any addictions I had needed to go I was and have been so confused since.

      I have spent time reading, I moved countries after 10 years back home as part of me was pulling. Alone being here though it reminds me of a past person that I no longer know, I have no idea who I was back then and just as confusing I have no idea who I am now without these things in place.
      Relationships make me suffer from anxiety now. Everything does as I’m seeing everything differently and so so confused. I look into men women animals it doesn’t matter and have strange feelings I’ve never felt before, I’m seeing into them and it feels weird and out of control.
      I have been dragged into something I’m not sure I wanted to be as it has upset my whole being and life. What is it? The darkness? I am normally happy but these past two years have been hard hard hard and I’m still there. I’m trying to join spiritual groups to give me some sort of understanding but a lot of people aren’t where I am or smoke, drink etc. They don’t really know what I’ve been through and going through.
      Can anyone relate to any of this as it’s confusing and upsetting to suddenly lose your whole existence and life and then question absolutely everything in yourself and outside world???

      • Yes I really do get where you’re coming from. I’m reaching out to you as much as you’re reaching out for help too. I’ve watched people fall away from me over the years because of the way I see things and, well, probably because I don’t but into the illusion anymore. It’s so hard, I know this. I feel like I’m in a labyrinth just battling to find the exit. I just hope there’s a point to all this.

    • My journey began 64 brutal years ago in preparation for paradise.Last week was the first time in 100’s of years of Earth traveling that home in the original paradise was never so close. Humans always had the ability to go back but when the soul still searches for purpose the illusions will always remain until it finds love.

  5. Greg, I hope this is meant to find you. I don’t know how to do what I’m doing right now, but it’s not even a choice.

    I know many people have commented and I’ve admittedly only read a few. That being said, I know that this is one of many comments, and likely not the first of my kind. But let me assure you, I am not anyone else.

    I am going to attempt to convey whatever you would call this without losing you to thinking I am a poser or even an “innocent” that only thinks I get it or always say “yeah, me too!”. I’m usually coherent but I’m compelled to proclaim something and to reach out, the how isn’t obvious to me. I said all that to say that I will now attempt to “prove” something to you. It’s easier than typed words as a comment on a post.

    To say I could have wrote this myself, is an understatement. I have spoken every bit from start to finish to others (translated to “normal” concepts to increase the odds of any true understanding).

    We know of the same knowings, we’ve seen?always known?, Were “told” the same truths (truth you observe opposed to create). We don’t give truth power or authority, it has it because it is truth. It is beyond absolute.

    No one has been able to withstand truth being channeled through me (figurative/literal) to the point of my utter disbelief. I have watched those closest to me in every way quite literally choose lies over truth. Truth they already revealed to be true. Truth they can’t vocally even deny or give reason why it is not so, while still being absolute it their opposition. It’s like a glitch in the matrix that allows you to hack into the response of well every single human being that’s faced it. I can tell someone how the end of the conversation will go (with them responding in every sort of “wrong” way, just to shut down with no response). Guess what? They will do it. Despite me saying they would do exactly that after saying exactly this. And guess what? 2 days later the exact same thing happens. Not figuratively. I mean the exact same responses and end result, still despite me doing all I can to help the individual in question to not do it say something that was wrong yesterday and so it is still wrong today. Truth doesn’t change, while their reasonings will. But truth always has a response. Always. I do not even get concerned with people who question me. I do nothing, truth just….speaks. it’s deeper than that because truth isn’t speaking, it just is.

    I think that’s enough um, insiders? That from that alone, you should know just like I did from reading your much better structured post. Now my point:

    Greg, you aren’t alone. We walk this path alone in our own lives, but we are out there. My level of loneliness is beyond scope or comprehension, even to me. My path started from my first memories til now, all played out like a book.

    If you ever want to attempt to see if something beyond loneliness can exist for us, please…please email me. Give me a chance. If you need to talk about real things as badly as I do, you won’t hesitate.

    I wish, I hope, I dare you to contact me and ask me anything. I’ve given the offer to anyone who want answers. I won’t hesitate, I won’t falter, I will speak your knowings and you will know. This I can assure you. Then I can really talk and not try to “sell” this looking crazy and obviously still rambling. Okay let me stop ruining this. (Never found another “awakened/awakening” personally and this is barely personal and 5 years late)

    • I have began this process it started on my 40th birthday I felt a darkness come over and everything has went backwards it seems until now. Now I have started to see things differently and I always have even when I was little I had reoccurring dreams I was in a white area of lines of people just watching with eyes no body. I was tiny but still can see the image of that place in my head. I also flew at night when I was Amal and I knew the directions and would soar over the lakes etc and come back to my self. Among other things. Then I kind of went on with life and went searching for purpose with the feeling always that I should be more than I am but I can never reach it. However, I don’t know what happened? All the Trump drama and the world in the shape I “thought” it was in changed and I’m going to be honest. I was feeling I had to expose the symbols I started all of a sudden noticing everywhere. The eye, the butterfly, and I had been brought to this realization now that I think by converting from Christianity to Judaism but now I’m seeing it for itself and that all around me has been a fake made up land of deceit and people doing things to manipulate happenings around us that entire time. I saw the crown on my Torah cover turn from a simple “Crown” to seeing bells al over it and then another symbol I’m not sure of and finally the whole crown is a wise owl I would say and it is meant to be that. After asking for my purpose because at this age I felt like the big feeling I had was going to be wasted. I started watching documentaries on people that ha e went through Genocide, and more and more until I can to the conclusion of how disgusting and spoiled i was. Even though I knew some things prior this on the last few days has been something I would compare to Alice in wonderland things just keep coming to me that I’m finding out the true understanding or getting there. I’m pretty sure I’m in the process. Everything changed down to not being able to look at anyone in the eyes. I’ve always had a problem with doing good for people that didn’t return the favor and outright just disposed of material things because I didn’t form a bond with anything like that and so it wasn’t attached and I can give it away. I can’t put info words what I have seen. What I know that is defined happening yet Can’t tell anyone. I’ve past now the injection of meaning into those symbols but that’s how it really started. I’m seeing some disturbing things. It’s like new information and a wealth of it has literally been opened for me and that some “people may know. I feel something big is happening or about to and it’s not politics it’s life changing forever. I see the exposing of all and everything and everyone. When I look at someone they feel I’m looking inside of them and get the wrong ideas. Please help if you are going through this? It feels so out of balance yet I have proof of these things and have shown them to correct myself but they had no way to deny it but strangely they are still “asleep” at the same time!! I try to waken this person but they are so into tradition that it’s a mere thought to them and they get mad now because I see this place for what it is and always has been to the extremes I hope someone else knows. There is a beginning about to happen for all I know that. Why me right now? I feel cursed and blessed if that makes sense. Anyone????

      • Hi Hud,

        Thank you for having the courage to share what you are experiencing. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can offer much help. It must be really difficult and confusing to be going through this on your own. Have you tried speaking to a professional? Or even calling a hotline if you’d prefer to remain anonymous? Often times it helps to be heard by someone who can really hold space for you and who may be more familiar with what you are experiencing right now.

        I wish you so much love and blessings for your journey.
        Team UPLIFT

    • I have began this process it started on my 40th birthday I felt a darkness come over and everything has went backwards it seems until now. Now I have started to see things differently and I always have even when I was little I had reoccurring dreams I was in a white area of lines of people just watching with eyes no body. I was tiny but still can see the image of that place in my head. I also flew at night when I was small in my dreams but it was real and I knew the directions and would soar over the lakes etc and come back to my self. Among other things. Then I kind of went on with life and went searching for purpose with the feeling always that I should be more than I am but I can never reach it. However, I don’t know what happened? All the Trump drama and the world in the shape I “thought” it was in changed and I’m going to be honest. I was feeling I had to expose the symbols I started all of a sudden noticing everywhere. The eye, the butterfly, and I had been brought to this realization now that I think by converting from Christianity to Judaism but now I’m seeing it for itself and that all around me has been a fake made up land of deceit and people doing things to manipulate happenings around us and the world. It continues to get stranger and stranger and they tell me I’m seem in another land well… I am from them. I cannot explain to them and even showing them they see it’s true but is lightly brushed off. I too have always analyzed everything and I ha w as a matter of fact said I ha e an Eye (I called it a gift) I could just automatically see who people were. Yet it flipped about 20x in this almost “Magical world” this entire time. Now I see them even more bind and for what is behind their thinking motives etc. I saw the crown on my Torah cover turn from a simple “Crown” to seeing bells all over it and then another symbol I’m not sure of repeating and finally the whole crown is a wise owl, I would say. The picture was always that own but until I woke or am waking? It was never noticeable to me just a crown. Now I know. It is meant to be that. I had sought God so many years and asking for my purpose because at this age I felt like the big feeling I had was going to be wasted. I started watching documentaries on people that have went through Genocide, and more and more until I can to the conclusion of how disgusting and spoiled I was. I also see that this environment is conditioned if you will wait conditions the people. For purposes of either revealing as it seems or I just work the hell up in the middle of it. I started freaking out a little and then I remembered not to be afraid. Yet some of these repetitive people I see do look evil. One particular. It may be me still injecting meaning into these strange symbols that I finally had to research to k ow what some meant then after that it was every minute message after message after messag. Lots of weird things have happened and I can prove them. Even though I knew some things prior this on the last few days has been something I would compare to Alice in wonderland things just keep coming to me that I’m finding out the true understanding or getting there. I’m pretty sure I’m in the process. Everything changed down to not being able to look at anyone in the eyes. I’ve always had a problem with doing good for people that didn’t return the favor and outright just disposed of material things because I didn’t form a bond with anything like that and so it wasn’t attached and I can give it away. I can’t put info words what I have seen. What I know that is defined happening yet Can’t tell anyone. I’ve past now the injection of meaning into those symbols but that’s how it really started. I’m seeing some disturbing things. It’s like new information and a wealth of it has literally been opened for me and that some “people may know. I feel something big is happening or about to and it’s not politics it’s life changing forever. I see the exposing of all and everything and everyone. When I look at someone they feel I’m looking inside of them and get the wrong ideas. Please help if you are going through this? It feels so out of balance yet I have proof of these things and have shown them to correct myself but they had no way to deny it but strangely they are still “asleep” at the same time!! I try to waken this person but they are so into tradition that it’s a mere thought to them and they get mad now because I see this place for what it is and always has been to the extremes I hope someone else knows. There is a beginning about to happen for all I know that. Why me right now? I feel cursed and blessed if that makes sense. Anyone????

    • My husband and I are in the same situation as you sir. Though I am married and have 2 children, the loneliest place I’ve ever been is now. Walking the path to truth and understanding is the hardest thing I’ve ever done or should I say I am doing. I feel like a crazy, my emotional state looks crazy. I’m just feeling things I’ve never felt before and I can’t even explain. If you have any knowledge you’d like to share, my heart is open. I need answers. Please.

      Love & Light, Rachel

  6. I’ve been surprised to find that the path of true spiritual enlightenment/development is absolutely BRUTAL! If it doesn’t hurt, I don’t think it’s what you think it is. I thought I had gotten here many times before, but wow! This is something altogether different. Thank you for your wise article.

    • Hi Emilie, absolutely it can be brutal but I think it is different for everyone. I hope you find it gets easier soon. Much love and thanks for reading 🙂

      Team UPLIFT

      • My awakening happened to me last year and I have never been spiritual or ever knew anything about it ! One day I got off work and my mint started racing and I just started writing down things about myself I never acknowledged before and when I read it over I began to break down because I didn’t even recognize the person I wrote down ! I have been with crazy anxiety ever since, doing a lot of meditating and inner work and that brutal honestly with myself ! I am seeing things about myself I never knew ! Today and yesterday my anxiety was at a peak and I know I have more I need to release and at times I feel like I am just probably going crazy but I also have moments of knowing things are going to work and bring me deep peace ! I completely let go of my identity which was the hardest part and now I am always at a constant reflection of the things I do and say and interactions I have with people reflecting on the authentisness of it or not ? Anyone else feel this ? I wonder what stage I must be in in my awakening

  7. It is true that it’s not easy,but I’m a happier person by myself I love my awakening,it happens for the adivine reason

  8. I have come to Netherlands last year, in November. I’m 24, from Poland, been living on my own since 17. I came here in order to change the environment, cut all of the outer influence over my mind and figure out who am I and what I truly want to pursue in life. Live become slow and meaningless, no passion, I couldn’t make any progress whatsoever, just reading books. On 26-th February, I had enough. I wanted to gain full control over my actions, yet it turned out I was nothing more than a sum of habits and patterns, I couldn’t grip myself from. On that day, I wrote down like 17-teen times, that I wish to die. I didn’t think of any particular action, yet meant it. I came home, sat on my bed, and thought to myself, that’s it. Now. My spine got straight, my whole body was squeezed, it was so tense.
    I had never had a panic attack before, nor had any medical condition. I was in the middle of Joe Dispenza book: Breaking the habit of being yourself.
    So, instead of being overwhelmed, the sentence from the book came to the surface of my mind, that the feeling is just the chemicals in my body, that it is actually desirable that I feel it.
    So I accepted the feeling of fear.
    Then I thought that I was loosing my mind.
    Again, I thought about the book, literally on the cover it’s written: „Lose your mind, and create a new one.”
    So I thought: isn’t that what I want? To lose my mind, so I can actually change?
    So I let go of the feeling of fear, and what happened next I am completely unable to describe, even to myself.
    The closest would be the explosion, visually I can only reconstruct my first interpretations about this experience – not the memory itself. A small fragment. But it was enormous. I say it, because my sense of myself was lost.
    Like I was literally everything there is for eternity – then:
    First thing I do remember, was walking around the room – I was there for 4 months, but it all felt like I had been there for the first time. The feeling… I felt like this as child. I would touch everything, and marvel at it. Then I realised… first time in over 12 years, there were no thoughts in my head.Thoughts become small happenings, my whole perspective changed. I was no longer the body, I would look at my hands and see it as MY body. And I was no longer the mind, now it was MY mind.
    The next days, were blissful, I just was, for hours, in the simplest tasks, and the nature… everything was literally vibrating.
    I was fully conscious of my actions, all of the sudden I could do what I choose to do in a given moment, not what my emotional patterns conditioned me to do.
    Every little movement was intentional. Everything became possible.
    One could say I sat on the bed, and get up a moment later as a different man, as my actions changed in an unpreccetented way.
    The dream came true.
    Well, it didn’t last. Gradually, week after week, I was loosing this state, although Ive changed a dozen of habits and quit EVERY addiction since February, being: sugar, cigarettes, marihuana, and the worst of the all – pornography; developed a clear vision of what I desire to pursue and decided to finish my solitude in the near future. Started exercising, cooking and taking greater care of myself than I have ever had. My attention span is getting longer, the way I move is different, I have vivid dreams every night. My imagination works different, I’m able to focus on seeing things right now, that are not there, or see multiple courses of action I could undertake.
    Fast forward today.
    I’ve never experienced such intense anxiety, as in last six weeks. Six weeks ago, I was hospitalised, I thought was getting a heart attack, it was a public place.
    I had about 8 panic attacks since, and was hospitalised once more in a public place.Last 6 weeks were a battle, feeling claustrophobic in my own body, fighting for breath. Even my sleep, got seriously deprived by now. Flashes of pain in the lungs, flashes of pain in the brain, mostly left side, sometimes right. Humming from inside-out in my head, getting stronger if I focus on it and straighten myself up – my anxiety goes over the ruff if I do. Every time my mind get quiet, instead of bliss, I’m on the verge of a panic attack. It’s the 4th day now that I literally cannot relax even for a moment, I stand all the time, and have to focus on anything to survive. Nothing helps, even concuss breathing. I am afraid of meditation. Being alone is not helpful in this situation at all. I am scared of whatever is happening, today I am feeling like I am about to pass out all day long.
    I’m being torn apart, with two beliefs system crashing – I have either fallen asleep again and it will not end until I surrender to the fear of sudden death – or this is all bullshit and I have seriously gone made. Help me.

    • Hello Alexander,
      Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like it has been a remarkable journey but also somewhat challenging now… I would recommend reaching out to a professional, perhaps with experience in meditation or who is spiritually open-minded, so you can feel safe to express yourself fully.

      Wishing you much healing and love.

      Team UPLIFT

      • Hello,

        Thank you for your reply. Every time it gets better for a moment, then it comes back worse, I can barely handle it.

        Commenting here was that kind of try to reach out to someone, who’s been through what I’m going through.

        Where does one like me look for professional help?

        One that does not charge 500Euro for a session, which as being immobilised at home for so long, not being able to properly function, I can’t provide, and doesn’t go full Yoda on me, last thing I wish for is being scammed.

        I’ve managed to contact a psychiatrist that’s supposedly been through spiritual awakening, yet when I was describing the shift in my perception, the world flowing in the present instead of time and having no thoughts in my mind for long hours… I could tell she could not relate, despite trying her best.

        My life has become a tiny prison, and I desperately long for someone to talk to and see understanding. For years I’ve seen so many “awaken” people on the internet, yet now, wherever I go with my story and seek guidance, there is none to be find.

        • Hi Alexander,
          I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling to find someone who understands what you’re going through. Have you tried searching for ‘spiritual awakening’ groups through google or facebook? That might be a good starting point at least, where you can hopefully find someone to connect with or resources to put you in the right direction. Otherwise, perhaps reaching out to yoga communities or other spiritual communities in your area. Please keep trying, I feel confident that if you do, you will surely find someone who can listen and understand what you’re going through. In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself and know that there are always free hotlines you can call to speak to someone. They may not necessarily understand, but they will listen and support you as best they can. You should be able to find a number for your region by googling.

          Best of luck and much love and light to you Alexander.
          Team UPLIFT

        • Hi Alex, and SW,
          My mind is already doing its best to stop me continuing so continue i shall: For what it’s worth i’ve had numerous (it seems egotistical to say many but incorrect to say a few) ‘direct experience’ or ‘enlightenment’ episodes as a result of my seeking the truth of me on a form of retreat that i eventually became a facilitator of. Since then i’ve done a lot of work to integrate me and Love/Me/I/Allthatis/Delight/Peace/Joy etc. I’ve been ‘cleaning up my act’ to try and be worthy of ‘That’ for over 25 years now. I often feel like i’m still very junior at it – i have so much growth still to address it can feel really overwhelming at times, but objectively i can see the progress i’ve made. All love driven, because i really want to be worthy of Love of that magnitude. Thank you for reminding me of this.

          Anyway, one of my struggles is with the loneliness of not often being in the presence of others who have gone this deep. I have a few lifelong friends from my various retreat days and we have the relief of being able to be completely real; and my relationship with my kids (who are more mature souls than me) is a reward for the work i’ve done to get more real and surrender my amazing ego and wilfulness to Greater than me.

          Anyway (get to the point, Sal), i wanted to offer a skype call to just give you space and listen, hear and not judge, fix or otherwise interfere with what you’re going through. Just resonate with the truth and the pain and allow it to be what it is while it is. No agenda, and no knowledge of whether it will help. It may not, but i’m writing this anyway. I’d love to connect with more people who have experienced more of the polarities of all that we can experience.

          The phrase ‘this will pass’ has variously helped me and been something i want to burn with all the anger of creation when i’m not resonating with it, but heyho. It will pass. But it’s nice to be able to share the agony with a real live other now and then. It helps.

          But we have to feel safe in order to do that. It can be a scarring experience to open up and share from a very vulnerable place and find oneself un-met. It can make it so much harder to try opening up again.

          My skype name is [email protected]. I have a FB page called The Way of Joy that i’m not very active on these days. I’m sort of semi-retired. If i don’t hear from you, good luck with your journey. You’re in good hands: Yours. You’ll be okay 🌷

          • Thank you for your kindness, Sally. I have done a lot of meditation over the years and have been fortunate to be in a place that is historically very “Zen” in practice. Meditation is wonderful and has brought much clarity and peace to my practice. But it is one tool and not the path in and of itself. We have to be mindful, especially when it hurts. Sometimes the “Polarities” exist due to factors other than spirituality. This doesn’t mean that someone did it wrong or forgot to connect with their heart as some may suggest. There are real underlying conditions that exist in the minds of human beings. Especially in the minds of those who seek peace through spiritual or mindfulness practice. If there is past trauma then one should be watching their minds and feelings and thoughts and bodies very carefully when there seems to be a feeling of euphoria or bliss that suddenly presents itself. Talking to those whom we trust as deeply and as honestly as we can, often is very important if an when the light suddenly turns off again. We must always be careful with our precious hearts and minds. I am not an expert in meditation, or spirituality, or in psychology. I do feel like I understand that truth exists and the nature of consciousness is infinitely simple, therefore infinitely complex and as such, so is the human mind.

      • Alexander,

        Feel free to contact me. You can call me Plum.

        I’ll talk to you, pro bono. I”m a teacher (deep-end Zen) with a background in Psychology and crisis counseling.

        [email protected]

        Listen to me, Source has got your back. Always.

        Sit on the floor and deep down remember your way back to knowing this and feeling this now, and stay there. In the now. Wear your stillness like an iron skin. Drink two glasses of water. Slowly and deliberately sitting in sunlight. Be. Know. Be. Know. Feel. Do (i.e. email me if you’d like).

        Remember who you are. Sink into it. Well-being flows forever in that space between.


        • What Alexander is going though seems almost exactly like what I am going through right now as well. The same progression, feelings, everything. I am also in a foreign country in Asia so psychiatric intervention feels improbable right now. Lost my job during pandemic. I felt as if I was trusting in source completely until recently and have never felt lows this low. I am constantly questioning whether or not I have broken my mind in an unnatural way. I try not to go out too much and have not been hospitalized, but today was the hardest.
          Is this a dark night or a true crisis?

          • I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time too… I’m afraid I am not qualified to say what is happening to you SW but please rest in the knowing that the mind can play tricks on us if we forgot to stay connected with our hearts. Have you tried meditating? Or sought help online? Or tried searching for a free hotline that you can call just so you can talk to someone about what’s going on for you? I sincerely hope you find some support very soon. Please try to keep loving and caring for yourself through this process, and know “This too shall pass”

            Much love to you,
            Team UPLIFT

        • Hi SW , I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m a clinical therapist and also climbing the excruciatingly painful, at times, to another level of awakening. I think you are going through a dark time as well as a crisis. And being so alone is most painful

          So, 2 things , 1. I agree with the others that you need a friend. It can be anyone but just a caring soul who listens. I know that with my clients, I don’t need them to be spiritual , nor do I need to have gone exactly what they have to understand their pain because I’ve experienced my own.

          2. Do you believe in God or another higher power ? Could be nature or the universe. And I’d recommend learning about your angels. They are there for the asking

          Last year I was given a scary diagnosis. I required several CT scans , each revealing more. For one month I t go either way: work out or perhaps something dark. It was at a time where I had already created a relationship with God ( it took a while and felt weird at first. I had been learning about and, by this point , believed in angels.

          For my second scan, I was approaching the hospital entrance and I literally felt this warm light around me. A different kind of experience from you where you couldn’t explain to most others for them to understand unless they are on the enlightening path

          And this shield of love was around me . It was God as well, because he sends the angels to help

          Well it was still no picnic in between. Times of deep fear. I was lucky to be okay and feel that it just wasn’t God’s plan for me. But it was believing and asking for help that carried me through

          And by the way, I’m now back in a spiritual crisis, and from something that is really nothing. I can’t believe I got through the scary thing and this broke me down. if I believe anymore and angry at God and not speaking to him right now ha ! But your beautiful sharing your thoughts and raw pain and my writing to you now, has made me realize belief and what I learned are still a part of me. Because I really believe what I’m writing to you.

          God ne the angels are always there. They don’t call you on the phone but they are speaking to you all the time. The universe led you to this site. And everyone here are the angels speaking through us. It can be an article you happen upon. Or a stranger you pass by who makes a comment that resonates with you. Be aware. Angels talk through numbers. If you keep seeing the same number – on the clock, the number of emails in your box. Anything. And you can googl Angel number and the one you’ve been seeing and see if it resonates with you

          But first you have to get to know your angels. There are books on Amazon. But what helped me most, is a website called Daily OM. It has all sorts of courses on any subject. They send an email everyday with the next lesson. Once you sign up it’s your course and you can do it at your leisure.

          The cost is just a donation. Could be $5 or $15 or $20 dollars whatever you can afford

          Because you are in a serious crisis I recommend a therapist for crisis intervention to get you through. You’d be amazed at how just sharing your pain, thoughts , cry , get angry with a person who listens and is there just for you to listen. Help you get it all out then give you suggestions for how to get through. There are also many people on line

          Through suggestions of others, you can take what you like and leave the rest. Keep reaching out in safe places like you are doing now. You will get through and reach a new spiritual plateau but in cris, now, just allow yourself to be. Don’t force things and look for activities to get you out of this. It will leave sooner if you be gentle with yourself and just notice your feelings. It’s not easy but if you can separate by noticing and not giving in, the thoughts will lose their power over you. When we fight situatins, feelings, thoughts, they get bigger and bigger. You will get through as I’m sure you have before even if this feels worse. Just be. Just notice. Looke for signs from the universe

    • Hey Alex!

      I have had very similar experiences to you. I left home at 17, my parents immigrated from Poland to Canada. I’ve been on a spiritually journey and it’s had a lot of ups and downs. I don’t think spiritual journeys are supposed to be easy. But you’re strong enough. Whenever I am feeling really lost, I like to listen to Ram Dass giving lecture. Not sure if you’ve ever listened but maybe it can help you find some peace. Sending love and light

    • I know what you are feeling friend. I’ve been in this darkness, this dark night of the soul, for a year now. Last night I had numerous revelations that words cannot do justice. Keep going brother there is light at the end of the tunnel. God is real, He is love, all encompassing, unconditional love. The panic you feel is not you, but merely the old you clawing and scratching and violently opposing the change you are experiencing. I had numerous panic attacks throughout my journey and went to the hospital more times than I can count thinking I was dying. Don’t give up and find someone to talk to about this. A spiritual counselor is incredibly helpful and they can help guide you on this path that you are on.

      Keep going, keep going, keep going…..

  9. I am writing this comment with tears of joy. My marriage fell apart after 6 months because my mother In-law asked my husband to divorce me and marriage the woman she betroth to him as his wife. All this drama started happening in our marriage and my husband left me and our one month baby just so he could do as his mom wants him to.
    I was in tears and shattered for 6 months because I could not imagine my whole life crumbling in front of me. I could not continue with work and baby responsibilities so I quit working. Things became more difficult until my best friend advised me to meet a love doctor that fixed her marriage with a RETURN LOVER SPELL that works as fast as 12 hours after casting the spell. I concord and decided to contact this spell doctor and guess what. My husband came to my mom house with his family in less than 12 hours after casting the spell. Even his mom came back asking me for forgiveness and also to reconcile with my husband who left me. They have been coming for the past 3 days and now everyone is asking me to take him back. I am so grateful for what this love spell doctor has done for me. I am thinking of accepting his apologize and move on as family just as my mom advised.
    Anyone who wants their lover back should write to love doctor on Love Spell doctor on lovespelldoctor0(at)gmail. com
    God bless you as you find your happiness through this testimony.

    • can you find a way thrugh which i can get freedom from satan and god both forever.And maybe it was your fault that you choose wrong people because i have also done that too.

  10. I had a similar awakening, in June of 1999, I have issues with broken people invading my life, I cannot seem to find the balance, I am being drained. Is there another awakening coming?
    Do I need to shut people out of my life?

    • Yes. you need to save your energy and establish healthy boundaries. part of the problem with society is we are too polite hence we don’t trust anyone’s true motives. that insecurity is very destructive. So you owe it you AND everyone else to be honest and only give of your energy when you are feeling truly abundant and overflowing with love and wont feel abused in any way. Only then can we all truly move forward.

  11. Absolutely loved this!! I had a similar experience of everything collapsing, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, dread, anger at God. Then a voice saying ” Stop asking me to take the pain away, be with it. I will show you how to be with it. You, your false self, inner children, ego cannot do this. I have allowed you to become powerless and helpless so you can reach for a different source on which to rely…your true self, one with me. This great pain is the result of you, your ego, trying harder, your fear and control. But now see what I can do”.

    After this I began meditating and doing body work. My life got much better, but still there are remnents of the frightened children within with their fears and delusions, the ego is just another name for these children, I call them the Wounded and Adapted children, one powerless the other seekng power. These are to be met with much compassion and PATIENCE. Holding them, not pushing away their voices of fear and delusions, and AFTER accepting and holding them, then speaking the truth to them. At the moment I am reaching new depths of seeming ‘lonliness’ and old voices of abandonment, and yo-yo’ing between keeping still and resisting the urge to ‘do’ more out there in the world. I hear a voice now saying ” I want you to learn how to be with the ‘nothing’ the perceived ’emptiness’….(an extension of my past collapsing experience 5 years ago), I want you to surrender ALL your moments to me, I want to answer all your prayers of wanting to be in my presence, soon all your ‘doing’ will come from this place, led by me, from the flow, from a place of ease and no effort”.

    Nice, great, lovely! Uff! Not always so, because I’m meeting deeper, way deeper shadow stuff, the kind where you ‘become’ those children again, there sat on the couch, and all the intellect and knowing can’t seem to take you out of it, you’re in it!! Here I learn to ASK to be shown. And then I remember….to be with, to hold, to forgive myself ( though there is nothing to forgive). Like waves I move in and out of being in ego then waking again to conciousness. All the time asking. Remembering that I’m not alone! That this spiritual journey is happening to me and I’m safe, a power greater ghan me IS in charge. Yes not easy, but wonderful!! Talk about living on the edge! Anyway REALLY liked what Chris said in this article, fellow traveller for sure! Sending out the love to him and all on this site. 💓🙏xxx

    • Wow, thank you for this honest and intimate share Madeline. How beautiful. We wish you all the best on this beautiful journey 🙂

      Team UPLIFT

    • Wow! I wanted to thank you Madeline for the comments you have made. I am currently within the phase of loneliness and am feeling quite bitter about it. I was told by a friend that I needed to sit in my grief and pain and allow the void to be filled with my own love and the love of spirit. It’s as if the voice you had heard was speaking to me through your words. I am totally convinced that I read this article, as well as your comment, at the perfect time. Again thank you for sharing! And thank you Greg for sharing your experience so that I can understand my own more deeply.

  12. Every word you wrote resonated with me on a subatomic level. I didn’t even know what an ‘awakening’ was until months into my descent into hell. A year later, I’m finally starting to claw my way out of the abyss. There are many memories of this journey I wish I could forget. — Parts of my psyche (whether my thoughts or not) I wish hadn’t manifested into regrettable actions. People I thought ‘must love me’ because they’re family. Perhaps I prolonged my hell because I tried so hard to find a way back to some measure of illusion. Instead, I may have simply confused the truth of one situation with illusion of another. Who knows?
    Thank you for writing this, though. I work regularly to reinforce my faith in the process, now I know there is one. This is inspiring. It’s comforting to know that losing everything I thought I wanted, and no small measure of what I truly wanted, will be worth it in the end.

  13. On see video on dark night of the soul by christina lopes and also visit and read about dark night of the soul.

      • I could have written all this, it’s really my story, my experiences, my Truth, my conscious step into my Dark Night of the Soul Phase where I stayed in for 5 years,my insights, my Aha moment that I was Already ME and Good Enough BEFORE starting this whole ‘spiritual journey ‘,my Union Within and Oneness experience,my walk alone…..I DID IT MY WAY

        Thank you for sharing this, I don’t often read or hear people sharing experiences that resonates so much with my own experiences.

        Thank you for being YOU 💚💪🙏

  14. 4 months and then you woken up and all was gone? Hmmmmm. Man, I am going through this shit for more than 2 and a half years and I see no end!! My health goes into shit, I lost myself a long time ago and I wait when I find my real self finally, if ever. I never had such deep introspection into myself as these years (I had a narcissistic relationship for 6 years, loved that woman so much but had to give up on it) I have such hatred for myself as I can’t keep a finance right, also my work disappeared, joy, skills, nobody wants to date me, I have loan in the bank, addiction is taking over me and I am fighting back, there are some parts of me which I HATE because I feel like they go against me!!!! I can’t keep myself intact. When this shit is going to end? Nice article but 4 months is a quite short time I think. Lucky you, Well done to you.

    • Please try to understand what I am saying. 2017 was my worst year in my whole life, a period of false “material spirituality” led to a psychotic episode, because I tried too hard to reach the unreachable. I tried so hard to get rid of my fears, to get rid of my anger, to get rid of my thoughts, to get rid of everything I disliked. And at it’s root I hated myself, I hated my self for being as I am. I developed DP/DR and had daily panic attacks for a year. But why? Because I was opposing myself for being as I am. To surrender means to give up everything. To not hold onto anything, to just be. Please take this literally. You. Have. To. Give. Up. Everything. Everything that you think changes your situation for the better, everything from which you think it that could help. Are you courageous enough to just be? To not change a thing?

      I was forced into this, One year after the first attack of myself against myself I got ill pretty bad. I had almost unbearable physical pain, Chickenpox with 21 is not the nicest thing to get. And at the worst point of my illness a panic/derealisation attack came. And at that point I was ready to surrender, I couldn’t take it anymore. It was not that I tried to escape the pain through my surrender. I was 100% ready to take everything, I couldn’t and didn’t wanted to hide anymore, I was ready to die. And in this very surrender the buildup of the attack swept away, it lost track because it lost its very ground and I hadn’t attack since then. And somehow I died. My fight, my believes. Or said in another way, the believes which I confounded with my real self. My artificial self died and I saw everything as it is, not stained through the lense of believes. And it is not something which you could add to yourself, it’s already there. You have to surrender to it, don’t try to escape. Be with every bad thing that you imagine yourself as. And don’t tell yourself the story that you are doomed to be that way and that nobody can understand your suffering.

  15. Dude, I went through all this myself.

    The betrayal, the hurt, the loss of everything material, the lack of will to live, the surrender..

    The unconditional love, radiating from out of my body and the back of my skull, even a white dove came to me. (I even have a picture of it!) The peace, the limitlessness, being one with everything..

    It is very comforting to know that I’m not alone in this! Wish I someday meet, face to face, someone that has went through this and can do the same stuff as me!

  16. Well not sure how I ended up here. I started on my path years ago I am struggling so much and this is something you can just talk to anyone about. I feel like I have opened up just enough to realize ( I know I’m supposed to say I’m worth it and I’m special) but all i feel is empty and not worth any grace from anyone especially myself] sorry not trying to bring anyone down but I am lost and I hurt so much I just feel like giving up and some days I wish I never opened this door I’m tired and I feel so alone and dont know where to turn I dont even know why I’m writing this. I know this is an old thread but I like always am just trying to find somthing to help. But you cant go back so is this my choice to live more years like this I cant do it. I just seems like every one has been invited to gods party but i cant figure out the door knob some times it feels as a remember god but god has forgotten about me. Sorry not try to bring the mood down

    • Matthew, thank you for sharing so openly and vulnerably, that was very brave. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling… Do you have people you can be totally yourself around? Or a professional you can talk to in confidence? Feeling totally heard, in a safe and non-judgemental way helped me profoundly in difficult times. Life-lines are also a great, free resource.

      I really hope you find some peace and solace in your heart, and soon.

      So much love,
      Team UPLIFT

    • See videos by Christina Lopes on Dark Night of the Soul go to there you will find post on Dark night of the soul.

  17. What a HORRENDOUS, MISLEADING description of what must happen to produce awakening! Every time I shed a layer of illusion, peeled back the onion until there was nothing left but “the luminous splendor of the colorless light” (I’m quoting someone else because it defies description), I felt lighter and lighter, happier and happier, more and more illuminated. Shame on your for calling other people wrong or false or fake because they don’t teach that the true path must feel like agony. Shame on Uplift for publishing. That was your path, and I’m sincerely glad for u that u awakened. But you’re propagating tunnel vision of your own experience. You’re giving it a omniscient universality and bashing others who successfully teach and experience otherwise. You need to get over yourself, even if personally, you already have 🙂 – Bruce Corwin, President,

  18. I was awakened as a child, and to a degree it was a walk in the park, except eventually I realized that nobody knew what I was talking about, and I became silent and alone. I had to fall back asleep to have a social life.
    Not meant to be asleep, I was dragged kicking and screaming, just like you, with loss upon loss, until nothing but pain remained. But x marks the spot, and the pain us x. Go there, the treasure is buried just below. How deep you won’t know until you start digging.
    To stay awake, you must go through this process again and again. Every time we build a life back, with comforts, love ,success….we are at risk of falling back asleep.
    Namaste my fellow travelers, we are in truth one and the same.

  19. I think that things don’t happen in one day. You lost me at the point where the guy said one day I woke up and everything went away. May be it happens to people but it never happened to me. It’s just all the process. Anyway great article.

  20. I have been trying to let go since I was about 2 1/2. Six decades on from that, I just let go of the last person. Now entirely alone. There is no one I can (or care to) call or write to. In some sense, I recognize that this is what I’ve been seeking all my life, but also wondering how I’m ever going to walk outside again. Day One. I have absolutely no idea where I go from here.

  21. Jesus said “Enter ye through the narrow gate for the road to destruction is broad and wide and it is many who take this path. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.”
    What you’re talking about is the gate that leads to the kingdom of heaven. You can call it enlightenment or whatever but I believe its one and the same thing. Very few find the narrow gate because as Jesus said, the road is difficult, and we as people want to do everything we can to avoid difficulty and pain. I think Im at the stage you were at. Its like Im grasping and holding on meanwhile life is trying to strip my down. Meister Eckhart said that, ‘the only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won’t let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they’re not punishing you,’ he said. ‘They’re freeing your soul. So, if you’re frightened of dying and… you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.’

  22. Weird! I have really been struggling with feeling alone, particularly in the last year, but ultimately I think I’ve been experiencing my ‘dark night’ for years. Recently, before I read this article, I’ve been struggling, more than ever before, with something I failed to act on as a teenager that led to the biggest regret of my life. I’m 61 now and know that this life is growing shorter, so I’m sure that’s why this is hitting me extra hard right now. I’ve been thinking lately that the only way to move past or through this regret and be done with it is to die to self, which is actually taught in Christianity as well as Buddhism. As I read this article, the phrase ‘I walk alone’ stuck in my mind. I walked into the living room where my husband was watching TV. A commercial was airing with the Whitesnake song ‘Here I Go Again.’ The lyrics I heard as I sat down on the couch were

    ‘An’ here I go again on my own
    Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
    Like a drifter I was born to walk alone’

    Born to walk alone. What are the odds that my mind would settle on this phrase and I would immediately afterward hear basically the same phrase on TV? A sign perhaps? I’m taking it to mean that maybe, just maybe, I’m finally ready to come to the end of the false me, surrender to the suffering and just accept what is.

    Your thoughts?

    • On see video on dark night of the soul by christina lopes and also visit and read about dark night of the soul.

  23. A friend sent me this and i almostbwent into a pause.

    Its unbelievable that i am not alone. I had everything to show now i have taken a break after my stroke in chasing a beliver in me.

    The mind that i have is not yet digestable by the governments but will one day be realised as it will be a necessicity to go back to originality.

  24. thank you for those words. that is one of the deepest text Ive been in contact with. It made me enhance some of the experiences Ive sense in this lifetime. hope there will be more to come! 🙏

  25. And how does one deal with a spouse who has come into an awakening? Im a Born again Christian for 36 years,3 kids, 6 grand kids and a marriage of 43 yesrs. Retirement at the door, ready to step into an exciting phase of life, then your spouse who is Bi-polar, explains her “awakening” and suddenly family is put in the back seat, life goes completely upside down! Suddenly, she is now a prophet like person Superior to anyone around her. Suddenly into herself and a know it all. Even challenging Bible meanings! Opinions of others are always questioned, debated, and challenged! Now, she’s very cold hearted to those that truly love her and seeks out strangers who have experienced the same thing. She actually says she would rather be with others “like her” than her own family so much that she could walk away at any moment! Now, the family is broken! No one wants to be around her, family gatherings, out to dinner, hanging out together on weekends, it’s all gone! This has been a tramatic time and expierience for us! Even friends stop coming over. All this in one years time! How is someone supposed to deal with all this? Divorce is looming. She is ok with that and has mentally preparing to abandon family! There is so much more to add but today this is the challenge jepordsing our family’s emotions, future and business. Any prayers, thoughts, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. God bless!

    • FOLLOW HER LEAD. I love reading your comment, but, I can see how scary it is for you, given you subscribe to man-made religion. The Occult (hidden knowledge) is ancient (it is definitely NOT “new age.”) and your spouse is treading on the path of TRUTH. She is paving the path for you…so, instead of being “born again,” how about you GROW UP and go inward where the God vibration lives. GOD is not outside of you and your spouse has figured that out.

      She is her own savior. She is her own LIGHT. She is her own medicine. She has the very same power endowed within her as YOU do, as the Light from most HIGH does, because WE are from Source, so that very power is hidden within you, as well; she has touched it and she is changing, so her awakening mimiks “mental illness,” when THAT is so far from the truth. She is waking up from a very long spell of amnesia and she is her very own elixir for it.

      Be well and dig within for your very own LIGHT.

    • It can be very hard for family i can understand, but everyone have a individual life with a other story in their minds with different beliefs, we as a person have our own individual lives. We can’t be like every other person because we are our own, so the moment you try to change her beliefs, or herself you will only pushing her away how hard it can be for yourself. You have your own version what is good for her and she got her own version. Do you think their is a person that thinks completely the same as you? No because we are our own person. The only thing you can do for her is let she be herself, even if you think it’s a mistake. Just be their for her without judgement, that is the most difficult thing in this process is that people judge.
      About the bible i can understand maybe she says things that attack your belief structure, but think it’s your perspective on the bible who says you are right and she wrong? Belief is if you are true to yourself something you don’t know and you create a version what you think is real.

      Just be their for her without judgement and be interested in her is the thing she needs most how difficult it be for you. Love is the reason why you are here on this site, the foundation. But you are scared because you see change, but why is it so bad?

    • Going through the same thing with my spouse.. except his awakening now includes male energy work that has him engaging in sexual acts with them all in the name of his awakening. He claims this is not sexual but rather part of his journey of helping – especially men. He has become selfish, self centered and cares for no one but himself. He has just blown up a 24 year relationship with no thought or consideration for his partner. He has run threw 11k of my money on gambling, has gone into manic states and the issues continue. Can’t do it anymore – tried to wrap my head around his journey but it is all over the place. I was part of a spiritualist community for many years so I am quite aware of the good and bad that comes from it. I wish him well on his journey but my time to exit off this highway of hell we are on is now here. All I know is I tried but can’t do it anymore. Dan I suggest that you do the same and don’t look back as this will never go back to what you once had. I have come to that realization so I am now at peace and planning the out. You are in the last quarter of your life and you to deserve happiness as well. I am in a different position than you. I have no kids, ten years away from retirement so once I leave there will be no further connection or contact to him. I will ghost out and start over again somewhere else. I suggest you start the process of leaving and setting boundaries of what you will accept and until you make final arrangements to dissolve. I wish you well and happiness. God Speed

      • This doesn’t sound like an awakening. It sounds like a cop-out. Sad to hear that he thinks this. Wishing you better days and remember, no one and I mean no one-is forcing you to stay. You always have the CHOICE to leave and find a different connection. One that won’t jepodarize your sexual health and take 11K from you.

  26. A good article but I can’t appreciate your experience. Like everyone else I have had highs and lows but they haven’t left scars or presumptions. I have travelled the world, worked in foreign countries, speak three languages have a son in England, a son in Thailand, a daughter and granddaughter in Germany and now at 70 I am doing some rice farming in North East Thailand and live in a small village. Yes it is important to be honest with one’s self, to accept the faults you find in yourself but above all it is important to just be the observer of what happens, to be detached, observe without judging, without emotion, things happen in my space but it shouldn’t concern me, it is just happening.

    • Hi David, how are you?
      I’m very curious about what you said. And would love to hear your point of view on the next couples of questions:
      Don’t you think we have more than the capacity to be just observers? And if you have the capacity to be the observer, the architect and the builder, why not exploit that capacity? Why conform with just being the observer? I understand that we are not in full control of our lifes, there are things (many things) out of our control, but there’re plenty in our reach, and if we focus only on those we can truly be architects and builders of our lives.

  27. Hi, thank you for sharing
    I had a kundalini awakening since 5 years ago .i felt the love everywhere, it was amazing. But once it’s gone , i live hell since that time, i try to give up and aband my self to the suffering but i still suffer every day, especially these last 5 weeks.
    What happen, why it doesn’t work for me. I feel this stange sensation rinsing in my back to my head all day long.
    I’m thinking i just can’t endure this anymore. Can you help me ( excuse my english, my english is not very good

    • Im sorry you have deal with this . And Im sure you feel alone cause its how I feel as well. I got my bf at the moment but have been told through thoughts I have to give that up as well Im scared and Like it says here you wont get any help sadly. 🙁

  28. Thanks Dr. Todd! My lover is back. I ordered the ULTIMATE LOVE SPELL and it took only 5 days to work… I feel so happy. I hope to get married soon! Todd’s contact manifestspellcast @ gmail. com

  29. I stumbled upon this. I am so happy that I was led to your writing. I am currently going through this. The heartache, the pain and suffering, the abandonment… i am still fighting this.. i am kicking and screaming… so much that I argued with God… I stopped praying etc. Etc. You know how it is. I dont understand it.. why I started googling about this.

    Thank you..I am trying to figur out what God wants from me .

  30. I don’t remember exactly when my awakening started, but it was about 3 months after I decided to go vegan (about 2 years ago). I started feeling so much better and losing weight. Then I felt like my belief system was collapsing. I felt like everything I thought I knew was either a lie or ass backwards. I started to look at things differently, nature looked beautiful and I felt a strong feeling of connectedness and at the same time I felt betrayed by humans. After that, I started searching for the truth in everything, mostly external. I started reading spiritual books on seeking, meditation, awakening and so on. Then I started meditating and praying. At some point I tackled god & religion thinking how hard can it be to find the truth in this topic. Well basically I feel like everything is true and false at the same time, almost as if whatever anyone beliefs is there truth even if its a lie and if its a lie, there is also truth to it. which would essentially cancel each other out and I come to the conclusion of “No thing really Matters”…and I am still unsure how this conclusion makes me feel. What a ball & chain trip of a ride!! And I have unlimited carnival tickets and that’s just fantastic.

  31. Beautiful article! Everything resonated so well. Thank you for sharing. It is so uplifting when you hear someone share their journey and you can tell their story is genuine and they have traversed the path. Namaste!

  32. Thank you very much Greg for sharing your experience. I too have had a deep revelation, quite unprovoked, where I was bathe by the Universe’s unconditional love, this oneness with Creation/God/Love.It was unbelievably peaceful and beautiful. I then “understood” everything with my soul. Most people have an intellectual understanding of spirituality, but when your very soul is touched, when the veil is pierced, when the Divine connects with your soul, that is when our journey of enlightenment takes on full meaning. Blessing to you.

  33. YES! I have been in a spiritual “mission” to become enlightened since I was teen (so over twenty years now).
    I always assumed that I’d reach some point of being in a peaceful, blissful state all the time. What actually happened was very different.
    It really was HELL. I went through all of these trials and difficulties that felt like they were stripping me to my core. A couple of times I literally lost all of my possessions. Layer by layer, “I” was undone. Really it was my understanding of myself and my life that was being unlearned.
    And a little over a year ago, just when I thought I was becoming wise, I had the biggest setback of my life, followed by months of deep transformation that was really needed for my survival.
    Only in the past month do I feel this sense of calm and you are so right, one revelation after another, like downloads. It’s amazing. However, I know that I’m always in the middle of the journey. It never really began in a particular place, and it will never end, so I’m simply walking this road and learning, I’ll never arrive. And that’s the beautiful adventure of it!

    • Same things happened with me but the day I realized my awakening. That day was wonderful and it was 1st January 2020. That whole day suddenly world looked awesome so much beautiful so colorful wherever I went I could see eyes of the people. It felt like I was looking into their being and people just looked at me like I was some energy. There was so much energy that I had to walk for 18 km but energy was coming from nowhere.

      I look at sun it was so beautiful,trees , birds, moon everything changed. My joy was following uncontrolled I smiled and smiled there was no fear no god there was me and this existence.

      Suddenly everything become so clear like 720p to 3D. I looked at the poster of some movie I could only see the eyes of the actors and that too alive and circling.

      From 1st Jan till 7th Jan I am enjoying my life.

      After the darkest night there comes a dawn.

      Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being more or less happy. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth.
      It’s seeing through the facade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true—from ourselves to the world – Adyashanti

  34. it IS hell and i have been kicking and screaming

    mostly i am not only alone but people attack me as if i am the enemy. i can not tolerate the isolation any longer. help

  35. I legitimately cried as I read your article because you so beautifully and precisely described the exact changes and thoughts that I have been having for the past few months. I have accepted like you had, that this is a very very lonely road and it should never be expected that someone travel this road with me. Just today I was afraid to see how much deeper I could continue to perceive, feel, and know and I always question to see if I can handle this road. But the funny thing is that no matter how hard this road is, I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. It’s funny because now when I talk to people I can tell who has truly become enlightened or who is still part of the herd. The herd is powerful due to their sheer number, however, the beauty of the self is to be at peace so that you can be by yourself and still enjoy the company. I truly thank you so much for writing this article. I hope you don’t mind but I saved a copy because it resonated so deeply with me. I hope you respond because I would love to have an actual conversation with you if you are available. Thank you and I hope you keep practicing your peace.

  36. I have personally met Adyashanti and Love his honesty,teaching and books.Thank you Adya from your many friends in Western Australia.

  37. Each of us is participating in the perfection, flawlessly! It isn’t possible to do otherwise. One is on the continuum of awareness, which expands infinitely.

  38. My husband left me for a younger woman and I was devastated. It was as if she had him under an evil spell, Paul turned against me overnight without any warning. It happened last year, I was desperate so I used every single spell casting website that I could find with no results. A friend sent me the link to Dr. Todd’s site and I contacted him. He started working with me on June. As a result from all of his wonderful work, my man and I are back together. I’m so happy and privileged to have such a great person like you on my side. Thank you! Todd’s contact manifest spell cast @ gmail. com..

  39. very well said…… honest………I’m on the path for sure. It is a constant struggle. The ego does not want to give up! It asserts itself. I want to give up trying and want to surrender but even that is sooooo difficult. How will i surrender? I am getting better at distancing myself from the chatter of the mind. But this foe the ego makes me think my problems are justified. I need to surrender.

  40. I didn’t chose this path. It chose me. I went through a very dark moment in my life but it made me a wiser, kinder, stronger human being. It opened my path towards awakening. It gets better…

  41. As you well know, saying Thank you, means so much more to one who has awakened, coming from one who has awakened! I am so happy your words found me/and vice-versa.
    I felt as if I were reading my own mind on paper, and I was! I know, and feel all of your thoughts, and words in this piece (of you). Until, one has gone through this deep seeded hurt, pain, confusion, and grace, one has no idea of true reality!
    I found my awakening after losing my only child in 2005. Did I have to be in such despair to find this awakening, or had I just had enough of the illusion, the bs, the lies, and the WHY’s, and wanted, craved more….to life?!

    It has been one of two loneliest roads Ive ever traveled, losing my Son was the first. So, you’re right, it is not for the weak hearted, the ones who are simply content with their live’s. I truly believe, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger! It is such a Higher Perspective, and something you can never unsee, or unlearn, once you’ve found it. This is a whole new World!

    Thank you again, I am so happy to find another light from the darkness! Together, we are not alone!


  42. I am going through all the struggle now, I have the feeling I am going mad. The problem is I don’t know how to surrender so it’s getting tougher and tougher. It gives me hope when I read this because for now it is darkness and pain. And it is hard for people around to totally get it. I would normally shut down if something is wrong, in this case I am doing the opposite which feels like what I am suppose to be doing but totally odd at the same time. This feels like a tsunami crashing over me. I have no idea where I am going, who I am anymore, what I want. Scary!

    • For me it was similar to the article. After an operation and six months of recovery I went to clean this hoarders estate. Worked in isolation for eight weeks mindlessly packing junk and contemplating my life. I cried often at the great heartbreaks and losses in my life…so depressing and surrounded by so much clutter. I had jumped off the emotional cliff. Out of this darkness came a spontaneous awakening while driving up the mountain to the dumps. It felt like I was on adrenalean for about six months, but eventually grew into the feeling. Told people and no, they don’t believe you, even my best friends.

      Helped my mother with dementia for the last year to her natural last breath…another hard-fought victory and eye-opening experience of heartfelt love, compassion and loss. This is the meaning of life…the feelings…good, bad, love, peace, heartbreak, acceptance, letting-go, anger, resignation etc.

      For me, at the depths of depression and introspection somehow my mind connected in just the right way so as to unblock this awakening. Was singing at the time and eating the organic apples. Now I waken everyday to a new world.

    • On see video on dark night of the soul by christina lopes and also visit and read about dark night of the soul.

  43. Every thing i knew as a truth is gone i suffered from Bipolar my life was hell. I knew no peace only pain one night a being came to me it took my suffering an pain a way. The next day i knew nothing of my old self. I was a new person every thing i knew was gone old friends an even my wife an daughter held no meaning to me. It was like i had meant them for the first time. I feel totally lost every thing is new to me. I have tried to tell others what has happen to me but know one will believe me. All i know i am at peace an i know longer suffer i walk this road alone but i do not care. I am at Peace now.

  44. Can I ask you guys something, I think i have entered this awakening thing but am not sure, i just know my entire perception has changed, it didnt start out good either, i will tell you what happened to me and can you tell me if im just crazy or not lol.. It started with i was seeing things in the sky , in the clouds, id try to point them out but everyone around me could only see clouds, nothing of what I saw, at first they were beautiful, like dolphins and whales etc, then they began to be more scary and ugly, i would video and take photos of the sky, one day while re-watching a video I suddenly had this vision of a guy as though in an aquarium placing clouds into the sky ” so he was GIANT’ thats when I first had this realization that everything and everyone is being watched, and my perception changed forever in that we are so small in the grand scope of things, I struggled with this for a while, fear, obsessed with the clouds, got on the nibiru, planet x train thats going down on you-tube. Was the elite? aliens? I dunno, I had almost become gripped with fear all the time, doomsday preparing for my kids etc lol ikr crazy hahaa, I asked God to give me a sign, next day my tablet was run over by my friend and my laptop died after being caught in freak rain, I had also asked to see the truth, in my videos and photos etc, well that was real dumb, because what i was seeing then was terrible, I suddenly was able to see these things even in disaster videos on you-tube, like the Japanese earthquake, I could see these like spirit things shaking the earth as people clutched to cars etc on the street these things were everywhere flying around, saw one on-top of a power-pole shaking it as though it were the earthquake but i knew different. I broke down a again and begged God to take these visions away again, the next day was overcast, I saw nothing.I soon moved to another town, I am studying to be a social worker so as I can help people, once I moved here and started my course I began to see the triple numbers everywhere, clocks, car plate numbers etc like real out of it so much so it couldn’t be coincidence, one day checked my account there was exactly 333.33, only friend i know who lives here address 4333, pin at course for printing 33345. 777 444, telling my mother about it she phoned and asked if i had seen the lottery winner numbers, 3 people had won total was 333.333 awww come on!Ive looked into this angel numbers thing and saw that you see these if your on your right path..Also when researching I get sent on these tangents right off study track but always to something that resonates,like following the numbers or something that pops out has lead me to Dr Emoto the water researcher, his work with water and intention of thought and words, their power etc,is this correct? I have felt really happy at study, and get this overwhelming excitement and joy from thinking about the things im going to do for people. so I have begun to meditate, constantly watch what I am thinking and putting out, usually everyday I see the numbers almost like a reminder. the pull to watch the sky or vidio it for you-tube has gone now, I haven’t seen anything scary in the clouds for awhile either but I dont really look like that anymore, I look and thank god for the beautiful blessings, Is this an awakening?and if so is it possible for people to go down the wrong path if bad things manifest while still learning what is happening? is their still a fight for your soul between good and evil? Ive always believed in God but now more so that we are of one consciousness, connecting with people and the connection with our environment, this also comes up a lot in my course as it is the indigenous way of life although im not, I completely agree with much of there way of life and core beliefs.. sorry to spam you all =/

  45. I believe this process is something most people refuse to go through. I’ve felt so lonely and depressed for almost a decade that I just gave up loving, and not loving those that care for you is just selfish.. but at the same time, most people won’t understand you at all. I’ve cut off connections with old friends and just stopped spending time with others. I spend most of my time alone, thinking and feeling while listening to moody music. It’s very relaxing. That’s my personal experience

    • There are four layers on identity 1st layer
      is role playing and games : I am president of America. I am husband. I am wife. I am brother of Judge. I am politician.
      everybody feels that this world will end without me.

      People remain in this layer all their life. Because it is easy to be something. Playing games is fun because games have rules.

      2nd Layer is Chaos
      If something bad happens in 1st layer like some death or breakup one falls to 2nd layer.
      People are nice people like actors,poets and people with good heart. People start drinking alcohol, taking drugs just to remain unaware of truth.It is maddening. Either you can be aware or go mad.People need help in this layer.

      3rd Layer is death
      If one is capable of enter this layer you feel like dying and that can happen if your twin flame dies. There are two possibilities at this stage either you become dead and move like zombie or you will need some outer help – one who transcended this layer of death.
      This layer gives you THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL and not one but many and every time you go through it you become more zombie-lifeless, absent minded.

      If you don not take outer help you waste years in this layer. Your energies are stuck in this layer. Energies have to be released.

      4th layer is layer of life. Energy becomes absolutely free, with no block.
      Your old identity dies and your new ego born. And at this you become really happy.

      The dark night of soul/ego is over.

      Circle completed.

  46. Amazing read i have just gone through the same thing and its so true every word u say. Its horrible but.lovely at the same time. Crazy but peaceful. Scary but calm. Trapped but free. Thank u

  47. we….the people….need to wake up, and retaliate……in the process of awakening….your concious of immortality… your divine power…no remores to those in your way…..and bring back….what they took from us…and hold it forever….and
    we the people…and the creator are one…..

  48. Greg Calise, you were only for 4 months in the dark night of the soul?? And only 2 weeks in surrender?? Try years in the dark night of the soul, when integration gets stuck in very deep pre-verbal childhood trauma that the baby in you isn’t able to move through?? Try losing way more than you lost. It seems you still lived in your house, still had your books and your things, still had parts of your life intact. I can’t understand how some people speak of destruction and yet they haven’t fully experienced it? How people speak about awakening not being for the faint of heart, yet their suffering when compared to others is not as bad?

    • you are speaking like that because??? you are comparing?!.. but when a person compares must compare the best and worst one too, almost with every human, in this process there is no end. in “reality” we cannot compare. there is no “matter”. world is dream, experiences are real, karma still has its role but how a a human is handling it, is important. i have a different case but truth behind that is same, its “realization”. its not some accomplishment to claim mine is best or worst etc,. the person actually just realised that, something we felt outside is self peojected dramas. in real, there is no outside or separateness there is no even inside or outside, just for once for lifetime realization, for this present life. who will become what after death nobody have any idea, what and why we drink water when thirsty… so on. we are still dumb, if not the DUMBEST (when compared). many people unconsciously suffering rather realizing it. atleast you realized, iam grateful for that. when we identified by this phtsical body, sll type of reactions ego comes out. so it is important to keep the body a little distant from being…that can be done through meditation let it be for 5 mins or 1-hour, once’s wish. meditation means no action or reception, & ofcourse equal action with an idirect or direct support to a person, wildlife, or trees.. it may be 1% or 30% contribution but still worth living & doing, though we are nothing in universe. 🙂

  49. that was very inspirational in a time of need for me. Still feeling lost I have never the less glimpsed a piece from that which helped me.

  50. I recommend reading the books of Eckhart Tolle and listening to his lectures on your phone. He is one of the very few who expresses the pth to awakening in simple, clear plain English language…

  51. Well, that is a pretty harsh description of awakening, of a short, rough road. The road of extreme suffering, being dragged into awakening – by Grace of course. Byron Katie took that road for her it was deep depression, Eckhart Tolle too, for him it was anxiety and depression and emotional suffering.
    Yet, this is not the only way. Nisargadatta Mahardj was told by a master “you are consciousness” and three years later he had awakened. Ramana Maharshi had the feeling at age 17 that he was dying – and he woke up.
    While suffering seems to be the spiritual master for the majority, it can take many forms. another way is finding a spiritual teaching and gradually evolving to awakening. Being or Presence or whatever you want to call it becomes more and more visible, more active, more important in your consciousness.
    I am writing this so that you comment above that not scare people that know little about awakening or enlightenment – it can be a more or less pleasant path over several years, without thunder and lightening – more with repeated experiences where you realize “Oh, hat is how it is” and you get closer and closer to clarity, meaning to thinking less and worrying less and enjoying more inner peace.

    • You wish. For me personally it’s even worse than for the author of this article. Complete hell and suffering. It is for the most part directly connected to the amount of conditioning you have been exposed to as an infant. If you had a light and more or less light upbringinng with not so unconscious parents, your path is easier. If you’re like the majority, there are hidden things that can take a while to integrate. And if you’ve been emotionally and physically abused or worse, it will be a challenge to clear all that our. And that’s the hell that can take years to integrate.

  52. How do I meditate, and also what does it mean when your sleeping but can visualize your room , but your whole body begins to feel warm all over an vibrate?

  53. Very well! I just am curious to know about your career Greg. With all of the waves of awakening, now its become difficult to choose a career path. Do all the awakened souls become writers or spiritual leaders? Or do they still find solace in their area of work prior to awakening? Following passion also seems confusing as interests are many but mastery is in none! What if you are unable to make a career out of being of service to others?

  54. Thank you, years of dark night of the soul as it’s sometimes described. I will do my best now to surrender. Everything else fell away years ago – whole life seems to have been about this. Thank you. Sarah x

  55. Thak you for story of yours, I thought that I am on the wrong way, because too much suffer and fear. Now I see that is the ONLY way to find the truth.

  56. Thanks for this article.
    I’m still going through it at the moment… Pretty much everything came crashing down bout two three months ago. First it was the business, money all gone so lost my place and ended up homeless which made my fiance run the other way (I don’t blame her)… Now I’m living on the streets with huge debt to my name. I became spiritual when all of this started to happen.. Did all that mediating etc etc…praying and stuff. When I hit rock bottom… Which was the first night on the streets.. Boy did I curse GOD for a straight week. It’s been a few days since I last ate…yeah I’m back to basics… And don’t have much now besides the clothes on my back, phone and free WiFi and sleeping bag… But I’m mentally in a better place and happier than I was a few months ago when i had everything that I wanted.
    For some reason.. I know everything will be okay and that puts a smile on my face everyday.
    I got to learn more things about myself and the world in the last few months than I ever did going to school. I knew deep down when I was a kid.. School was useless… Only to find out they were teaching us fault shit.
    Whoever I’ve told what I’m going through thinks I’m a nut case so I keep to myself. I’ve always kept to myself so i find it easy been alone and im fine with that.
    Once again thanks for the article. Good to know I’m not the only nutter out there 😉

  57. My awakening started in 2012. for the first time i was really looking in the mirror in what seemed somewhat like an NDE experience or a trance because i felt like i was dying maybe due to lack of proper interpretation of what was happening. i had a trance and i was being dragged for judgement, i felt feelings whose existence i could never have fathomed in this life time, the most distinctive was utter fear of being cut of from eternal source and regret for a life poorly spent. the feeling was mind numbing. in a narration of my own voice, i was telling of a story of my own eternal demise, it was agonizing, the following months I would tear down the whole internet looking for people with similar experiences just to make sure i wasn’t going boinkers and boy did i .. indulge my curiosity. i got more than i bargained for. from there it took me 3 more years before the real deal. i went on to read 50 books the majority of which were on spiritual knowledge, the law of attraction, the subconscious mind and start your own business and etc. fast forward, in too deep down the rabbit hole, my manifestation abilities are really awesome, i have attracted lot’s of experiences in my life, awakened people,I have done energy healing, hypnosis, psychics, all in the search of my life purpose. i am attracting ridiculous synchronicity and basically miracles are all around me, from thinking some really unreal things and they happen within hours to interacting with my higher self/guides or whatever you call them and getting unbelievably incredible information and warnings. i have gone through my second wave of the dark-night of the soul but despite all these things happening, i’m contemplating suicide. just like the author, i just broke up with my sweet heart and she’s the only person i have in the world, and I’ve never been so lonely in my life. I lost my dad at around 3, immediately my mom set me up adoption with my uncle, who had a son of his own(same age) i quickly started taking a tremendous physical, psychological, emotional abuse from his wife, God bless her soul. Fear became the order of the day and before long, we had established that i wasn’t a very valuable part of the household and so i learned my position. As you may have guessed, my self esteem and confidence took a major beating. I withdrew from any kids activities, shrunk to make room and took solace in isolation. i was always lurking in the shadows, and for the following years there was this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach(fear). I learned how to lose and compromise willingly. After a few years came a war that killed many people and i was handed over to another family and the abuse doubled, It didn’t take long before i had a nervous breakdown and completely shut down all motor activities, i literally became a mute for a while. i endured lot’s of ridicule and soon lack of self assurance rendered me completely retarded. at 27, as my awakening purges on, i have nobody, living alone and having no family sucks. sometime it feels like ending it is better.

  58. You awake from one dream into another, into another, into another… There’s pleasant dreams and there’s horrible dreams (and mixtures of those). Some dreams last a lifetime, most don’t. Think about it, if only the Self is real and the Self has no desires (it just is), then the desire to meet/become/remain the Self (or yourSelf) is not the Self itSelf, right?

    The whole matter (no pun intended) is similar to all other ‘big questions’ and the attempts to solve life’s riddles: Evolution Theory or Creationism/Intelligent Design? Random events leading to complex living ‘systems’ (like humans) or is there some sort of ‘Creator’ behind it all? Material logic suggests everything just happens at random (good or bad luck, so to speak) and points at ‘time and natural selection’ as being all that is needed to account for the baffling complexity (and beauty, but also horror) we see around us. Of course the evolutionist cannot explain how life came into existence, neither can science account for what was there before the ‘Big Bang’ (‘Nothing’ is just another cop out). Spiritual explanations also follow that kind of logic: trace your(real)self by peeling of the layers of the non(real)self… What’s left is the real Self… But how come there’s anything other than the Self in the first place? I know, that’s a dualistic question and can only come from the (ignorant) mind… Says who?

    Awakening is indeed a destructive process and in my mind it’s as much driven by desire (chasing happiness or trying to avoid/leave behind bad stuff) as are all ‘quests’ in this world. I do believe there are no real questions (so also no real answers), that somehow life is a ‘set up’/mystery, intimately connected with me, and the astonishment of this realization is my happiness.

  59. I AM going through this myself. I do feel alone at times. It is so worth it though as I shed layers of my ego and get down to where my pain stems from. I FEEL so much lighter and happier now!

  60. It’s a beautiful thing to not be alone! It was such a relief reading this and all of the comments. True freedom is knowledge, but painful too. Like when you know the truth about Santa Clause as a kid, times 10. Thankyou!

  61. I could have written something very similar to this article. I went through mostly the same awakening process. The voice I heard when my life started to collapse, in 2003, said “Manon, repent”. I spent 8 years, from 2007 to 2015, in complete darkness: I had no hope at all and couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I did many suicide attempts during those years. I was angry, full of hatred. I hated myself and everybody. I couldn’t accept the mistakes I had made in my life, the way I had lived it. My surrender came in the form of accepting to give myself a chance, feeling that I might have paid enough for my “sins” after having spent so many years in a complete hell, and finally having the humility to ask God for help. I said the Serenity Prayer (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”) only once but truly meaning each word of it. I started forgiving myself and accepting my past 2 or 3 days later. I took about a month to review my whole life and to look at it with new eyes, with a new understanding, and with lots of compassion. I cried it all out once and for all. It was relieving (re-living?). I felt I was born again from the spirit. I was completely renewed and completely different. I left everything behind and moved about 5,000 km away from where I was at that time. I finally had the wisdom and the courage to listen to my soul and to follow my heart. I found my true self during this awakening process and developed compassion for myself and for others. It filled me with love and gratefulness. I am now surrounded by people I love and who love me in return. With God’s help, I found the way out of hell. I now live in paradise.

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  63. It has been a long “Dark night” and no end in sight, but this article helped immensely.. I read it once before and had forgotten under all the loss and self reflection and fear of what I would find out about me.. Ego is a evil controlling…Thanks for the story about your experience

  64. Thank you so much for writing this post, I read this lying on my bed, lost but not alone. My darkest night is coming, I feel that. I thought it came two years ago but I have fallen from Grace since then. I wish to accept the suffering, to give it room, you’re words have given me comfort and encouragement to just allow my grief to exist. Thank the universe and God who fled through you for this beautiful gift xxxx

  65. Dear Greg, thank you for sharing this some time ago. I like it. To me happenend the awakening very similar – exacly then, when I really gave up fighting, letting myself break down and forgave myself at the same time. The main feeling after was gratefulness. My way since then feels peaceful and lonely at the same time, not always easy. In companion of other awake people I feel joy because they know the deep connection between us all. Thank you and all the best. Love Daniela

  66. I work a lot with chakra-opening exercises and procedures. I charge very little (if anything) for it – just slip it into normal yoga classes. It is one of the fastest routes to enlightenment (and a painful enough journey for those who do the classes honestly). The author of this article probably speaks from ignorance about the chakras —- and is ignorance not like directly the opposite of enlightenment? 😉

  67. I’m only 18 but i struggled with severe depression/anxiety since i was 13. In the past 3-4 years I’ve gotten into Buddhism and wanting to find peace within myself, i did and I taught myself how to control my anger problems and over thinking. I really overcam a lot, i felt a big difference in myself, my mind and body, the people i grew up around noticed and some even told me they could feel it. Recently I’ve had to move away from everyone that i knew, for school and also because my living situation was becoming very bad and unhealthy I started having a lot of issues with my mom and step father it was becoming quite physically and emotionally abusive. I’m in a better living environment but i feel as if I’m losing myself and the things I’ve taught to myself and i cant figure out why or how to get it back. I have been feeling less connected to myself, my spirituality and my surroundings and it is frustrating me. I’m not sure if its because I’m in a new place with new people but I’m just feeling really disconnected and not sure what do to.

  68. I too am going through this right now. Through talk therapy I have learned that I put many facades and false perceptions in place to shield myself from the realness of my past. I kept fighting, traveling in this spiritual journey only to find myself crumbling again. Trying to fight the anxiety that has taken over by body. Fighting would bring on a new symptom of physical side effects from me trying to push it down even further. Something had to change..

    It is finally now i am finding out real truths, and allowing myself to explore into all of the this that I tried so hard to stuff Inside. I am so vulnerable right now and feeling things I have never allowed myself to experience. The truth hurts so badly, but am ready for peace. Peace for my tired body that is so exhausted from trying to keep it together while dying on the inside.

    Thank you for sharing this, I am so thankful ?

  69. Jesus Christ! I’ve just read what happened to me this past year. Love is everything we are all so loved but most of us don’t know. It feels like being born again, this love is pushing me forward telling me evolve, expand your consciousness, love who you are.

  70. sooooo TRUUUUUEEEEE I thought the world would celebrate with me but no one cared and less than a few knew or understood so I lived my life alone for a year just shifting on my own with one relative helping me at intervals – we had met online but even until now not in person and she is the only person in my life who truly understands

  71. Thank you for your honest report. I believe I truly understand what you have been through, as I also experienced the total shattering of my Self, as well as true darkness and hopelessness. It makes me reflect on the fact that depression might be a blessing for those who experience it, provided they are strong enough to see it as an opportunity to dig deep into their self and find the light. When you find it life will never be the same again, as true wisdom and courage will be part of you forever. You need to have trust in time, because time is your best ally in that search.

  72. Something that has helped me greatly in answering life’s biggest questions.

  73. I don’t know what’s happening… I just know something is! Scared, sad, mad, happy, peaceful, nervous, brave, alone & connected all at the same time! Nothing will ever be the same. Which is exactly what ego is afraid of. This is a trip…

  74. I think I’m experiencing something similar myself.
    From a few months now I’m against everything that I believed to be the right path, now I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m lost.
    I feel truth inside me, I hate lie like never before, I feel that every thing that I was doing until now is pointless for this world and God.
    But at the same time I don’t really now what I should be doing…

    • I feel you Alex. This is a good path you are on. This is something that has helped me.

  75. I applied self-heimlich last year when choking alone. Saved myself. Three weeks later I had a severe mental/physical reaction to prescribed medication for chronic 14 yrs lyme disease and ended up ‘losing’ fifteen hours of time/memory/awareness and waking in a locked psych ward. I was living my personal most terrifying nightmare come true… and then I too, heard and felt a voice beside, behind my right ear that ‘said’ ,”You always have been, are now, and forever will be in the center of my Heart. You are home.” At that moment, a lifetime of fear from abuses, completely left my body, my heart, my mind…. I was completely a peace, pain free, and filled with an overflowing sensation of complete trust, in whatever…. that didn’t even enter my space. I got through the next four days piecing together how I ended up there, and learning many new ‘things’ about my Person, and my entire past life events. I carried this new inner joy and peace with me for the next seven months, never wavering. And then, my Mom suddenly died. And, my siblings attacked me for stating I was ‘sad no one had told me she was ill with cancer the past year(!), and that I had only gotten a text when she passed.’ And my Mom lived one mile from my house. After the attack, being physically restrained by four siblings when they started to verbally, and then emotionally attacking me I attempted to walk away from them, and they wouldn’t ‘allow me’ to assert my own independence and self-care…. Boy, did I really ‘wake up’ then!

    I was then led to research ‘malignant narcissist’ and all that dynamic entails…. and at the perfect ‘age’ of fifty-four I had the honor of fully waking up to what I was led to believe was wrong with me as their designated SCAPEGOAT, and every dysfunctional ‘system’ has one or more!!!!…. and now I really see what is ‘wrong’ and what is fully right with everything!!!!

    I learned my lessons from those who were placed into my life for my blessings of FEELING. And now, I know it is right and good to self-protect against that which can do harm…. it’s the knowing what that is that makes the difference. ‘Oh, a truck. I’ll step out of the way!” 🙂

    Life is now very different for me. I am completely HEALED in my Lyme illness, and I even healed both torn meniscus in each knee without surgery, doctors or medication. I am also healing naturally by my own abilities the seven bulging discs in my neck to lower back. Where I was unable to walk further than around my home just last December, I am now traveling all over the world and walking and even running! Just last year, I had been unable to think, or speak, or type…. due to the brain inflammation from the Bartonella, and now I am doing all of the above with even greater agility and ability than pre-tick borne illnesses!!!! HOW!? 🙂 And, why ME? I now ask, “Why NOT me!?”

    What is this ‘life’ that we are living? It is everything, and nothing. Just as we are, too. I am all that I believe myself to BE, and everything I don’t believe. Therefore, I am every thing that was, is and shall be, in every dimension and thought and deed. I AM. I choose what feels good now.

    • By accepting where you are at the present time, no matter how difficult it is. Work from that point. But again, that is my own personal experience. Everyone is unique

      • Greg – While it is true that “everyone’s experience is unique,” it seems to me that saying it that way dilutes it too much. From dozens of enlightening journeys I have assisted with, there are many experiences, processes and things in common, albeit having different “flavors.” In general, it can be seen that anyone having illusions (i.e. pretty much everyone) must confront them and determine if they are true. It is a massive confrontation/dissection/purging process. Unless that process is worked through, there is no enlightenment possible, as you say.
        Now, the question may be that someone comes into this lifetime with the bulk of their illusion-dissecting and purging process already completed. For such a person, just one more experience of seeing through the veil may do the trick and break the spell. But it is certain that that soul has most definitely gone through the confrontation/dissection/purging process recently, in terms of soul experience.

  76. Great article, and thanks for sharing! Awakening IS a destructive path. It is a path few have traveled but is nevertheless necessary if you are to clear away the layers of illusion, forged and imprinted from birth. To empty and absolve all that is known to witness the unconditional experience of oneness with nature and breathe in the essence of life. And then to birth the conscious mind and self by forming an authentic perspective, to contemplate the bicameral element of self and non-self, and then to choose. Maintaining a sense of structure and emptiness/nothingness. To feel the perpetual embrace and appreciation for being alive and involved in this wonderful experience we call life.

    • Beautifully written. I think however, it really depends on your habits and choices.

      I was living hell but read a book in 2013. This book started to change my behaviors and started to be Who I Am at a very young age. I became softer, warmer. But I wasn’t ready to let go of the ego back then.

      This whole year has been magical, but indeed it wasn’t until I was left broken hearted with my apartment all in candles waiting for someone I thought I needed to make my fairy life complete, that I learnt what Self Love meant. And there the journey started. But before that moment, I’ve been calling it forth with everything I was doing. So, when it came and I accepted it, cried down and got my shit together – not for the ego, but accepting Who I Am and acknowledging that I Am Love and I don’t lack any of What I Am was the moment the main lesson got learned. It’s been 6 weeks since that and I’m taking it all in, craving information, put a hold on my studies, started my own blog and connecting with like-minded people. And.. I’m kinda like a caveman. Mostly in my apartment searching and reading. You crave to know yourself once you awaken.

  77. I saw and knew all this before… all the facades, false beliefs, all the ugliness and emptiness, yet I went on. I held similar deep spiritual beliefs of my own. I thought we were all valuable, all life meaningful.
    Then my world and my self were destroyed through a trauma, though I had my share of traumas before that didn’t tear me to shreds. My previously healthy ego turned into one of self hate. I went into such darkness for so long I stopped feeling.

    I’m still healing, 3 years later, unable to feel emotions, connections, all of it. I spent so long in the darkness and am only really emerging the past several months. I now find there is nothing but busy little bugs pretending they’re of some great importance.
    I struggle to exist in this world now. I still have to get up each day and care for my children. I have to exist in this lying realm of ridiculous systems. I am an unwilling participant, and very few comprehend.

    There has been no further revelation of deep anything… I had that all before my world caught fire. I see proclamations like this, that talk of deep awakening, that mock the false beliefs of the herd around them, and I see it as they see the others. Bumbling around in the dark with artificial light.
    There are no more illusions.

    • I understand you. I’ve been in a similar place, been through a dark night of the soul as the autor of the text and, althought I still have issues from the past to resolve I’m away different and better. In the past there was a lot of hate in me too. Hated myself, the world, politics, humans…then came the darkness, I couldn’t participate in the illussion, and I thought: this is the end. I thought: I’m gonna kill myself because I can’t bear this anymore, I’m gonna quit. And this was the beginning of the dark night. I had no energy, had no focus, had no dreams, no nothing. Just felt like going down and down, not knowing who I was anymore. Not worthy of nothing…It was a really difficult period, because the Ego begin to die, the illusions were percieved as so, and I felt I had nothing and I was nothing. This was the Ego feeling as is your Ego feeling too. Why self hate? I can tell you this: that that you feel for yourself is that that you’ll get from the world. You receive who you are. Perceive the wounds, perceive the mistakes, understand we all are imperfect humans that hurt each other through our EGO’s and forgive. Forgiveness will set you free. I’m still forgiving, and the more I forgive the more love, peace, real friendships, abundance and goodness I have in my life. 🙂 much love for you. please feel free to answer and discuss.

      • I did forgive, before. Easily. I held no blame or hate, but empathy. Now I don’t forgive but I don’t blame, either. There’s nothing there. I’ve nothing TO forgive. I have no hurt.

        When it changed I started to see myself as a naive fool. One who gullibly believed in signs and deeper meanings, that my previous love for all, and constant hopefulness, was unrealistic. That all the kindness, support, love, help, that I gave before, naturally, without question, was only taking from myself, my focus, my energy. It was exhausting and I’m not sure why I did it, why it was my natural inclination.
        I asked for nothing in return, and I got it.

        Most of my relationships were based on what I was doing and giving to others, and very few were actually there for me in any way. I started to remove ties of all who were toxic best I could.

        I had embraced my imperfectness before, my individuality, my constant awareness, until I saw it was a facade I created. I was content with myself before, now I can barely stand my own reflection.

        I saw that karma is not real. And all the prophetic dreams and funny little moments were really just random coincidences. That the universe doesn’t care. It’s all made up because I wanted to see it that way, so I did. My entire belief system was shattered. I questioned everything I experienced before as misconceptions or imaginative tricks.

        Once I stopped experiencing feelings I was able to see that I was viewing things through an emotional filter with a longing for something greater, a higher consciousness to explain away some bigger meaning, that doesn’t exist. A lovely false hope of belief.

        I started facing total reality of the cold, cruel, selfish, greedy, hateful, destructive environment we really live in with other people. I knew of it before but I fought against it, and didn’t accept it as reality. I thought they were lost and confused. I was wrong.
        The illusions all fell and I saw that I wasn’t good, but a clumsy, ugly, dreamer, who isn’t loved or remarkable in any way, and that’s fine. This strange drive we have where we insist we are special is just our ego pushing us to survive.

        I lost hope in the moral advancement of humankind and the utopia I longed for was absurd, childish wishes.

        The world as I knew it was yanked out beneath my feet. Who I was, no longer existed.

        My previous ideas weren’t selfish, the opposite in fact. I believed we were all connected, valuable, before. After, I found myself left with very little. I was angry at myself for being so wrong, so susceptible, for my entire life. Eventually it washed away and left numbness.

        I let go.

        Three years can be nothing and everything depending on your perspective. I’ve tried seeing signs a few times, spent a few weeks here and there trying to convince myself it still existed behind some thin veil that was now built up before me because of the trauma, but they so called signs are meaningless to me now. If some great cosmic ‘something’ wanted any of us to have love, joy, and peace in our lives, we’d have it. We wouldn’t have to go about lifting rocks searching for it, while our souls starve.

        I don’t mind, but probably because I’m not aware I feel a thing about it. I imagine the before-me would have felt a cataclysm of heartbreak to have my beliefs shattered.

        I could be wrong, but if anything, before was the dream and now I’ve awakened to the cold harsh reality of life, and I find that I’m tired. I wouldn’t dare take my own life, because it’s the only one I have.

        We, humans, have this peculiar habit of making things out to be so much bigger, now I see it’s okay just the way it is. There doesn’t have to be more. There doesn’t have to be some magical force in the beyond. We can still live as well as we can. There’s nothing wrong after all with having our feet on the ground. I spent many years in argument against it.
        Who knows, maybe it will change again, but for now it’s all very small and quiet.

        • Wow! I have been searching for you for awhile. I too was born awake and without understanding of how to be separated. I could not ignore the ignorance of others and felt like it was up to me to gather up all of the pieces of “us” and say, “come on guys let’s go home!” But none of us have that much control, understanding or strength. As long as we are separate we can not be complete. I think of it as a body and I don’t want to leave one hair behind. But that’s not up to me. I’m just a fingernail (the crooked one that grows in some funky direction on your ring finger). Nevertheless, I can’t truly surrender to that knowledge. The most difficult thing to accept is that you are central to our happiness. Make only YOU happy. Let me say this again. Make only YOU happy. That is all the power you have and that is why YOU are here. I love you for your selflessness but we are offended by it. Let everything and everyone else find their own happiness that’s why THEY are here. You are like a mirror my friend, and I would love to talk to you.

    • I’ve been where you are. It took years through painful darkness while nobody really understood. I felt separate from others, separate from the world. I was numbe to feelings too. I did not see how to re-engage. But time does heal and you do come out on the other end. I too had had much enlightenment beforehand, to the point that it changed my career path. But I learned so much more by starting to pay attention to signs and messages during my painful dark period. Maybe I was grasping at straws, anything to help. But I became much more in tune spiritually to the energies and forces around me. As I did begin re-emerging, so much more became clear to me. I now have such a greater understanding of the world, and my role in it. This has been confirmed for me numerous ways as I have been guided. You may be in the process to learn so much more. You may have really optimistic things to learn and discover. Try to be open to that, wait, and pay attention. Good luck!

  78. one thing you did not touch upon, was the illusion of “you”. There were many references to “self”, but that is ever changing and transitory. Our perception of “I” also changes on a daily basis, according to new experiences and new knowledge. There is only the current perception, not a constant one.

  79. Excellent article at moments it seemed i was writing my story with health and other issues all coming together tearing us down.
    However we are not alone. There is out OTHER SELF living in the Spiritual Realm. We live in the Material Realm. If we can Liberate (after awakening) that Self and uniting it with that Self in Spiritual Realm we become complete. The notion of other, or something completing us is a marketing gimmick to sell us the matrix of lies.
    Anyhow once complete we are as u said in Love, except its a constant state, its like coming out of 3 dimensional world to exist free of time(4D) and find urself complete in 5D state (momin)

    I penned similar thoughts here:

  80. Thank you. You & me went through the same road, it’s not over yet. Amazing piece, confirmation that we are beacons of light through broken vessels. Namaste .

  81. Im in the teeth of this and yes feel all the fear and the anger.Im glad to have read this for this past week I’ve attempted to deny how I feel and run back to the herd. I’m terrified and feel completely alone

  82. I can go back as far as being a small child feeling disconnected with the masses…always feeling alone, never believing in the “normal” way of thinking. The loneliness led to self hate, blame and shame and finally drug use. Always wanted to love myself but never knew how. Now I’m 45 years old and searching still for my place in this world and now I believe I have found my beginning. Thank you.


    • I didnt leave the house for weeks…i was terrified to have the scales ripped off my eyes. I tried to reach out to people closest to me and they thought i was losing my mind. It passes but it doesnt pass too. Its always there and its up to the enlightened what to do with it.

  84. Waking up and realizing that every one else is asleep! Good to know that other people have felt the love and oneness as well. The ego shattering experience changed my entire perception of life and self.

    Personally my white light moment (s) were centered around drug addiction and recovery. I suggest that anyone interested check out the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The goal/promise of the steps is a spiritual experience like the one you mentioned.

    Very good read! I went through the same experience very recently, it was amazing or a while but slowly dissipated. I am now trying to find it again as the ego continues to grow back I think. My journey has just started!

  85. As far as I know, there is no other way, there is no shortcut, to learning how to love than surrendering to the process, letting go of old self-serving fears, defenses, and rigid beliefs; letting go of narcissism. The process of learning to love, Letting Old Vanity Evaporate, is a constant demand of the Universe. This is the thesis of my book, “Love Always Wins.”

  86. Thank you! Thank you so much for writing this!
    I have been facing a very hard time and just as you described it seems like no one understands or believes the things I now know are actually the truth. It’s been so hard.
    And just a few minutes ago I was just scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed thinking my shrink isn’t helping and that I actually needed a spiritual guide. Then the link to this text came up, the title seemed interesting and I decided I’d have a look at it. And it was unbelievable how it just spoke right to everything I was feeling and thinking at that moment.
    Thank you so much. This helped more than you could ever imagine.

      • Amen! Thats what brought me to this site. Searching for explainations regarding my enlightenment. To see if others share my story.

    • This is something that has helped me greatly in answering life’s biggest questions.

  87. I am on this journey of awakening and wow is it incredibly hard to let go of the ego, beliefs, and everything around you. Some days are Great and some days are Shattering. I keep telling myself it is worth it!!
    I have hit several rock bottoms in my life but recently I had another one and this “rock bottom” was a harder than any other one for some reason, I don’t know why because it was smaller than the others.
    Something just said WAKE UP and I am.
    I am, searching. I am, finding. I am, Being. 😉
    Wouldn’t it be fantastic for everyone to take this journey of self instead of self image? <3 Namaste <3

  88. Ahm mr.Greg i was in the awakening already and i was so alone cause no one understands me. I feel anxiety. Cause i know peoples where thinking that i was out of mind. But thanks to you mr.Greg i feel comfort because of this article. thank you very much. I hope one day i’ll be like you helping others. Thank you very much

    • I think he was in darkness for years. We all have been. The surrender to and acceptance of was new. It broke through the walls surrounding his center.

      • Yes, its very true what you say Julie. I was also in the same boat years ago; but on awakening, its changed everything around me. Attitudes that were with me years ago, say for poverty have gone; now being replaced with {equality} of the highest order. When I look at any person now, rich or poor, strong or weak, timid or brave, I se no difference; I see only love.

    • I’m on year two and hope there is an end in site. I feel like I have been the most unconscious person ever. This is very encouraging to know I’m on the right path. The indescribable feelings of pure love I have experienced is the only way I keep going.

    • Truuuuuly. I had the same thought. I love this article. But yeah this doesn’t always end in a sea of rainbows and sparkles of a renowned connection with the love and light of all that is by a longshot. During my Awakening as a co-parenting mom of 3, I had to work constantly in my business to barely pay the bills. I work from home. I grappled with the crumbling of my belief in the goodness of the world. I sobbed and worked, dried my tears and parented. When I was alone, sobbed over the reality of how dark this world is while continuing to work. Met someone during this time who had already had a similar awakening. Thought maybe I was getting my clouds parting post awakening moment – finally a reward for my big brave willingness to deconstruct my beloved beliefs. Wrong. Turned out to be a totally mentally ill covert narc. I have simply awakened in the nightmare that doesn’t stop being a nightmare. Some of us appear to be targeted for never getting a break. I have surrendered fully to it. Just wanted to mention that our belief that behind every storm is a rainbow is not always the case, and it is not because we’ve done anything wrong. I just try to not let it break me and when I leave here that I never ever return to this horror show of a world.

      • Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty Deanne. It sounds like it’s been less than easy. I wish you many blessings for what lies ahead on your journey.

        Much love,
        Team UPLIFT

  89. Thanks for the ideas, yet I personally didn’t experience my awakening as destructive or as a struggle at all. It was like walking into another room. Unable to rightly explain why.

    • This also happened to a friend of mine. Everyone’s path is unique. I am only writing what happened to me personally

        • I have been through this process so many times. It never gets easier, though this time is different. It has thought me, never doubt myself. Never trust what is truly good, take care of the self and enjoy the present. I foresee events coming, many years in advanced. It’s a feeling, sometimes things don’t feel right. If it doesn’t seem right, its probably wrong. Most people repeat the same behaviors. Though human behavior is either changed or repeated. All we can do is change what we can. These small changes eventually will make us better individuals. Those who repeat the same behaviors; they only know how to keep, manipulate and take no accountability. Those who can let go; know how to change, forgive and understand. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you become egotistical, and deny others emotions. Soul searching, doesn’t mean you hurt someone by being indecisive. Still learning the rest. This is something I have learned and so far it’s working.

          • So what you are saying maybe is instead of giving out advice or trying to actually wake people up to start their own spiritual journey, we should tell our testimony, tell what actually happened to us, what we have actually gone through…. Give our witness testimonies of what happened in our spiritual awakening. all we can do is tell our story right we couldn’t help ourselves,
            someone or something had to intervene, God the universe whatever you want to call your higher power did the intervening. so why are we stepping in trying to help other people in this way? right? we can’t help them with their spiritual journey only God and the universe does that …should be a huge late because I don’t want to be responsible for anybody spirituality or how they see their life and the universe right? 😄

    • Thanks for the reminder that we’re all on different paths. I like to imagine that I’m on a path toward enlightenment. I’ve certainly had glimpses – seen through the veil of illusion. Never to stay, though. Never integrated – I’m always searching for integrity. One thing that frustrates me is reading about how rare/hard it is to attain enlightenment. While my ego perks up to the idea of a challenge, the thought of the accomplishment of a rare feat plays into my tendency towards self righteousness. And every glimpse I’ve ever had has reminded me how connected – how the same – I am to others, not how unique I am for glimpsing the arcane. I’m split though, because I feel a jealousy connected to this observation. How do we let go of our attachment to the desire to let go of our attachment to desires? Even the veil has veils…

      • You don’t need to be jealous. Life is continious journey. You can feel enlightened but will face hardships again that will break you and creates you. We are always learning and growing. Don’t get caught up in the superiority of someone’s elses journey. Trust your own path, that is your only map ❤️

      • My experience with awakening is similar to yours. I cannot maintain it. My ego and self righteousness are ever present and they prevail. Many people have told me to “get out of the way” and “pay attention”. I didnt exactly know what they meant until exploring my circumstances. Ive often wondered what would prevent others from enlightenment? Why are so many so oblivious…not that i dont sometimes envy ignorant bliss.

    • Thanks for the article, as this resonated with me today. I e had a lot of breakthroughs during my awakening, but I honestly hate it. Just those words alone show that I’m resisting, but all my losses, heartbreaks, behavior is based on my childhood issues. All I see now are flashbacks of my life and all the things that I messed up. I’m having a hard time digesting it. I’ll be fine for a month and now I’ve been hurting for a few weeks. I’ll try the surrender, but I’m fading here.

    • Hi Feel as I’m going through this very exact thing… everything I knew, my life I had, everything has been crushed.. it feels like a spiritual battle within myself. I’m a single mom of 3 boys and I was always the strong one of my family, my brother called me the Rock of the family… but now I can’t even keep myself emotionally together, I broke. I’m scared and don’t understand wats going on but I continue to Pray and hope this cycle will end soon and the 2 years of bad luck I feel I have will end.

      • I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a tough few years Ashley… I pray that it gets easier for you and that you’ve just been ‘planted’ like a seed; ready to sprout and transform.

        Love and light to you,
        Team UPLIFT

          • Hi. Thank you for your story. It helped me so much. According to your story I have a filling that I am on the very beginning of my way and instead getting better and filling better I am getting worse every day , I argue alot I say things i should have. I fill intimidated all the time like never before. Instead losing Ego my ego is getting stronger. Would that be normal. I don’t like the way I am but I have no control over my behaviour sometimes. It is very strange because before I would think that I am Wright know I know I am wrong but I am still doing this.
            Thanks again .

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