Choose Her Every Day or Leave Her

By Bryan Reeves on Friday March 23rd, 2018

Why the Small Ways We Abandon Each Other Matter

I spent five years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together. I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

We Both Suffered

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so…much…more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace–or even see–what was so wildly wonderful about her.

We both sufferedI stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship…which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day–in my words and my actions–and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

Your Loved One Deserves to be Chosen

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

Your loved one deserves to be chosenYour loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in a relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose wisely.

Words By Bryan Reeves

Originally posted on Bryan Reeves, Coach. Blogger. Author




Real Love is a Choice


Qualities of a Conscious Relationship

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15 Responses to Choose Her Every Day or Leave Her

  1. Thank-you so much for this really thoughtful article on relationships. In my 7-year marriage, I was that woman in a variety of ways. my ex- quickly replaced me with someone else, whereas I have chosen to stay single (for the time being). Your honesty was totally refreshing. At the end of the day one has to ask if the grass is always greener.

    • We often hold on too hard to what should have been a short season in our lives. Now married for a couple of years I realise that not all relationships were meant to last. Some are truly lessons. It’s hard to be honest with self and take steps especially if there are kids involved

    • Yes, though I find the real trick is remaining true to yourself while simultaneously remaining compassionate to your partner’s experience.

  2. Everything in the article is true and I commend its author on taking responsibility.
    Is there anywhere an allowance that such responsibility is also owed by a female to HER PARTNER, that she too reaps what she sows, or are we to continue the propaganda that relationship difficulties are generally the man’s fault?

    • I work with couples, Nick – I’m also the one who wrote the article – and I find indeed that allowance is everywhere … for just as a man has 100% responsibility for his role in how the relationship unfolds, so too does every woman own 100% responsibility, too.

      However, it’s often the woman (in a heterosexual relationship) who endlessly asks for more “love flow” (connection, togetherness, openness, etc.) because that is what both her biology and her heart long for, whereas the man typically just wants peace, ease, and harmony at all costs … even at the cost of love-flow.

      This primal dynamic creates all kinds of messiness, and often the hardest work is for the man to learn how to connect with his woman in “love-flow” despite his tendency to withdraw from it. Which is (one reason) why it seems he often gets the blame.

      Of course, she also needs to learn how to ask for what she wants in ways that do not disempower or emasculate him (by becoming his mother, his boss, his therapist).

      And so on …

  3. I had a client who said 4 years when he ejaculated into his wife he would say in his mind: take that u ph’king bitch!

    But now that the children were grown & out of the house he wanted to shout it out loud. He told her he still loved her & it was just his kink.

    So she said if u feel like that why don’t u go get a whore: so he did.

  4. I want to thank this author for this well-written, succinct, and heart-felt piece. I sent it to the man in my life, acknowledging that although it was written by a man, it goes both ways. Yes, we each need to Choose each other daily. We have recommitted; we dug deep and the answer was… “We just do.” We’ve been able to refocus our efforts and head back in the right direction. Thank you.

    • It does indeed go both ways. The ex I write about in this article – if she were honest with herself – could write a similar article from her perspective with the same theme of not fully choosing me, either.

  5. This is it. This is exactly what happened in the past. I’ve said so many times that in my first marriage we were just young and didn’t have the knowledge to make it work, and in my second marriage I fought for it but he just abandoned me yet stayed. And what is different now is that choosing, and every time we we each say I love you, which is several times a day, I feel the choosing all over again♡

  6. Extremely well written. Captured perfectly the experiences many of us have had, but did not know how to articulate. It also gave us each a reason to reflect & be honest about the damage caused.

  7. Wouah! I’m amazed by the connection with your experience and see myself in it in the 5 years relationship I had with my ex… Also feel sad I couldn´t realize it before and be present to it…

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