How to Choose a Lover

By Lisa Vallejos on Friday July 15th, 2016

Finding a Soulful Connection with a Lover

By lover, I don’t mean merely an intimate partner or a sexual dalliance.

By lover, I mean a person who ravishes your entire being—mind, body, heart and soul.

By lover, I mean the person who takes your breath away and breathes life into your dreams. By lover, I mean the person whose body fits yours like a glove and in whose eyes you see eternity. By lover, I mean the person who captures your attention and captivates your being.

You see, it is easy to choose a physical lover — There’s an app for that. You can swipe your way to a booked social calendar and still live with an empty heart. Many view the quest for love as a numbers game…the more exposures you have to potential partners, the better your chances. While I see the rationale behind that, I believe that is far too simple.

By lover, I mean the person who captures your attention and captivates your being.By lover, I mean the person who captures your attention and captivates your being.

To choose a lover is not a numbers game. It is birthed from a deep and raw place within the soul—a place where many of us rarely explore within ourselves and don’t really know. That is why we choose our lovers based on surface characteristics and miss the soulful connection our hearts are craving.

To choose a lover who is soul food is a process that first requires one to go within and explore the deepest parts of oneself. One must discover who they were before life told them who they should be. One must shine a light into the darkness, knowing that facing the demons that reside there is vital to self-discovery. One must be willing to touch the places that ache, the longing within and the call of the heart. One must be willing to be undone, to feel lost and to let go—of projections, expectations and all the things you think love should be.

One must discover who they were before life told them who they should be. One must discover who they were before life told them who they should be.

Choosing this type of soulful lover is not like going to a buffet where you try a little of this and that until you find what pleases your palate and satiates your hunger. You will only find the soulful lover you seek when you have been willing to go through your own soulful process of discovery.

You see, the soulful lover is not likely to be found on the buffet line. The soulful lover is like the best diamonds that are kept in the jewelry store—kept in the back, in the safe where only the most serious of buyers gain access. The soulful lover is a hidden treasure that can be accessed only by those with the eyes to see beneath the surface and go deep into the soul.

The soulful lover is like the best diamonds that are kept in the jewelry store—kept in the back.The soulful lover is like the best diamonds that are kept in the jewelry store—kept in the back.

To choose a lover, you must first choose yourself.

You choose to allow the destruction of enlightenment to have its way with your life. You choose to remain steadfast in your commitment to your highest good. You choose to retain the hope and belief in the divinity of the universe that will bring everything you need to you at the exact right time.

You do not run around, chasing love. You sit back and become love. You spread love wherever you go in whatever you do. You let love be your guide, your roadmap and your true north. Love begets love and what you give out is what you get back.

To choose a lover, you must know what you are seeking and trust that as Rumi stated, “what you seek is seeking you.” When you are deeply living from a place of authentic truth, you will find those who are doing the same. From that space, you will no longer be standing in a buffet line, tasting the options but will be following your bliss to the place you most desire and filling your plate with that which fulfills, sustains and enriches your being.

Feature Image: Irina Karkabi

How do you feel about this article? Join the conversation.




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As I Began to Love Myself

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57 Responses to How to Choose a Lover

  1. This comes at a perfect time for me…. this is what I seek. Thank you for putting into words what my heart has been trying to figure out!

  2. I read this as I listened to the Beatles “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” and it moved me in dramatic fashion.

  3. The ‘heart’ of the article is in the right place. However suggesting that a person, who achieves such an ideal state, will magically find their lover is not reality.

    You still have to engage with others, regardless of the means of achieving that engagement. Disparaging dating apps assumes that everyone using one to engage is not worthy of consideration.

    • Even though the article states that “you do not run around, chasing love. You sit back and become love”, it does it in the context of, as said right after, that you are an active person that “… spreads love wherever you go in whatever you do”.

      Using dating apps demands endless hours of filtering work, while by doing what you love, you will be in places and in times that same kind of people will frequent. It could seem that one attracts one’s kind but, in my opinion, nobody attracts nobody else: we just happen to meet in the sought places / activities / thoughts / dreams we similarly frequent.

      Going, doing, meeting and frequenting are all very active verbs.

  4. I disagree. This article seems to be describing a mix of best longterm partner (ps, needs will change) and That Person I Melted At As Soon As We Met. Latter is what I look for in a lover. Former is what had but turned into a comfortable spousal situation. The article . . . dreamy and stuff, but

  5. What a beautifully written article. Great timing…it felt llike opening a window in a stuffy room. I agree with and appreciate the depth and thoughtfulness of what the author shared. xo

  6. I have learned many, often painful, lessons from previous relationships because I did not value myself. I must be a late bloomer, as I have celebrated many birthdays, but I am still optimistic about love. I do believe that chasing after a romantic illusion does not bring the desired results.

    Be kind to yourself and others and enjoy your life as it is. Only then can you attract someone who is meant to be with you.???

  7. This article brought tears to my eyes with its Extreme Beauty and I feel like it was written for me. I love it!!

  8. Very beautiful and true. I was found by such a lover over 40 years ago. Truly he saw me as I was meant to be before life had made me what I was. Unfortunately, I was too emotionally blocked and I could not meet him properly. Yet he still nurtured me and stayed with me for over five years. We managed to remain friends. Despite a long gap and even though he lives in a different country and we can’t be together, there is still a deep connection between us that makes me feel loved to my soul. For each of us our path to love is different and I have never been interested in the ‘pick and mix’ kind of love.

    • I also have been luckynto havevavgteat connection..40+ years ago had the grace to meet a man who adored me. And like you was not entionally mature enough too know hecwas my ” lover”. But we stayed friend and walked different paths. Then 5 years ago we reconnected and now I see that time has not changed the connection and i am now much older and wiser and we are responsive to each other. But still going too look forward to building a relationship as we are the same but not the same and not sure how it will develops. But he touches my heart and soul.

  9. I have been married and involved with a man for almost 30 years.
    He is my soul mate.
    But not my soulful Lover. I have had a friend touch my soul deeper than my life partner. Be very careful who you settle for.

  10. Thank you Lisa for such a nice soul touching post. It helped me to see myself, my own soul and find what I really want to achieve in my life. Thank you again.

  11. It’s not about finding, its about becoming.
    So you meet that “perfect love” that everyone pursues. But what will attract them to you? Will they recognize you?
    It’s not about meeting the right person, but becoming the right person. That’s what this article is about.
    As you humbly pursue becoming your best self, with the attributes and qualities you seek, that same type of person will then see you as a potential partner. Seeking a partner is not about what you get, it is about what you give.
    True love is doing what’s best for another, not using them for yourself. Therefore when desiring to meet a partner, you must learn and grow yourself first. You will then become more and more attractive from the inside out, naturally attracting your potential soulmate.
    Yes, you are actively seeking that person, but doing it with inner peacefulness and confidence. You have no need to be anxious. Have faith. Trust God and trust in the beautiful person you have become. That’s when you stand out from the rest.

    • I applauded you in well defined qualities of both lover who’s heart is right first with Faith in God & within themselves to love unconditionally in able to find the person who you can’t live without.

  12. I know it’s so true…i am working hard at learning to choose myself and live in the present and in great love…
    I have always lived from a place of fear and done things for other people.
    It’s struggle but I am trying especially to honour myself,my goals and dreams

  13. What a beautiful post. This line grabbed me the most,”You do not run around, chasing love. You sit back and become love. I’ve been guilty of this all my life, when I love someone, I do everything to make that person happy even if the person doesn’t reciprocate. This is an eye opener to those out there seeking and searching earnestly for a lover. I really appreciate this write up. Big kudos to LISA VALLEJOS. Thank you and God bless you.

    • This is absolute truth. I am proof. I had many failed relationships and connections. I decided to stop looking and dating altogether. I worked on myself, soul-searched, tried to just be love and create the person I wanted in my life. After 2 years..I woke up one morning and said to myself “I’m ready for a lover”. I wanted the soulful lover and nothing less. Literally a day later I was contacted by someone out of the blue who was thinking of me. I think because I put that energy out to the universe. He is indeed my soulful lover and then some. It has been 4 years and is only getting better. This was a heartfelt and purposeful plan on my part and it worked. I am a testimony to this concept in this article.

  14. The universal rule of play is Your vibe attracts your tribe! You attract what you Are not what you want. No further wordy discussion is necessary…Hats off Lisa for the flow and blessings to you.

  15. I loved the flow and emotional iq of this article. Felt so right .. and actually felt do-able which is always a good thing ?

  16. OMG WILL YOU MARRY ME? Okay, no, but seriously, thank you. I am glad there are at least two people out there who get it. I may not die alone after all.

  17. My wife past away 1yr ago this past February. Reading this reminds me of the love we had, that she touched my soul. What I look for again in another woman. What I long for.

  18. This sounds to me like finding your soul mate by natural selection, in other words, Gods law is written on our hearts from the beginning of time and if we fowler our hearts we will wind up exactly where we are supposed to be at exactly the right time. DEXTER DYE

  19. This article is not only timely, it timeless. Absolutely Awesome. This I am currently experiencing and Thierry is nothing like this type of love. Anything less just will not do.

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