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The True Essence of Sexual Maturity

By Cynthia Connop on Tuesday June 16th, 2020

Losing Myself to Find Myself

In my youth, I had a natural radiance and embodied vitality. I call it the ‘free radiance’ of young women. In my reproductive years I was in my feminine prime; strong, free, sexually alive. As I traversed fifty and beyond, the hormonal wheels slowed down and the fertility cycle eventually ended. I, and many female friends and clients, faced an emotional and physical challenge and an identity shake-up; a reshaping of how I see myself. I had to let go of old identities and embrace new, fresh perspectives.

As fertility declines the body changes, especially for women, and that affects our sexuality to different degrees. It is almost impossible to be prepared for that. Fortunately, these changes happen gradually and we have time to integrate and adjust. I found that the youth focus of our culture and the lack of dissemination of elders’ sacred wisdom can have a debilitating effect on sex, intimacy and love over fifty.

New Vigour and Creativity Emerges

I wanted to lean into my spiritual experiences, to the collective wisdom and also listen to my body so that I could embrace this transition as a sacred doorway to greater spirituality and fulfilment. As I climbed ‘over the hill’, I contemplated that I was entering the fertile ‘valley’ of tantric spirituality.

Over a few years, this change does settle down and a new vigour and creativity emerge. I was even relieved at being free of the hormonal ‘drama’, clearer about my own needs and boundaries and more powerful. Some women report having less interest in sex, for others, it is the opposite. Or the desire to have a different type of sex and intimacy.

Cultivate Your Spiritual Foundation – Know Thyself

That is when my lifelong habits and spiritual practices came to the fore. I was fortunate to have a background in personal growth and Tantra and while the menopause years were not easy, I knew and had practised for many years shining love through my body. To the best of my ability. My years studying the work of David Deida, sexuality author and teacher, taught me that our ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection.

However, in the realms of love, sex and intimacy as doorways to the divine, we benefit from embodied daily practice when younger. I didn’t really understand that until later. Initially, I was attracted to this opening into the divine, and in my usual style, dived straight in. It has not always been an easy path to follow. Now I may not be as radiant or wrinkle-free as the younger me, but I can be wiser, kinder and sexier – more tantric in my approach to life and love.

Alt text hereOur ability to be radiant love and deeply present are not dependant on any idea of perfection. Image: Timur Romanov

As a woman with a predominantly feminine essence, the practice is to flow, breathe fully, open my body, let go and locate love. Whatever our gender, we all have both feminine and masculine aspects. For the masculine, the practice is to become more fully present, free and deeply aware, through the whole body.

I discovered that while men over fifty do not have the same decline in fertility as women, they do have a gradual decline of testosterone and can experience less sexual desire and ability. Together with the changes that women are having, this can affect sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Sexuality is fundamental to the sacred union of masculine and feminine, but over fifty years of age and beyond, it may not look like sex as we once knew it.

For men and women, there can be physical issues that might need medical support and guidance. There are treatments, hormones, creams and pills etc. to assist older people in maintaining a healthy and connected sex drive. And the good news is that ageing also pushes us into a natural flow of slower, more spiritual sexuality and deeper connection.

Psychologically, letting go of self-judgment is also challenging as our bodies can feel like they have ‘betrayed’ us. They haven’t, but they are naturally changing. However, our ability to slow down, breathe and be more fully in our bodies can actually increase with age. We are more likely to have the time and the inclination to ‘drop-in’, to let go.

The Tango – The Dance of Synchronicity

This general change in men brings them more in sync with women, who have long been available for prolonged foreplay and slower, more varied lovemaking. As we come off the sexual ‘peak’ we are able to explore more the heart connection and the sexual subtleties of the ‘valley’. The next stage of the tango can begin.

If we are able to take the performance pressure off our sexuality it can lead to longer, more relaxed lovemaking sessions, and if necessary, more ‘outercourse’ than intercourse. The usual paradigm of foreplay, arousal, penetration and orgasm may be off the menu for some, which hopefully leads to exploring new territory. Whole-body massage and arousal, a sense of humour and playfulness, slowing down and being in the moment with one another. If we don’t focus on the way it used to be, we can be open to how it can be Now.

As he ages, the masculine can find himself discovering more of his feminine side, not needing to lead and direct so often. The feminine can also find herself post menopause in a more direct and focused energy. We have both feminine and masculine energies, but most people identify more with one or the other. The feminine essence in any gender is motivated by the flow of love and feelings, relationships, connection, community. The masculine essence is drawn to mission and purpose, directing the flow of energy, free from emotions. The predominance of one or the other can change as we go through different stages of our lives, but especially as we get older and our hormones change.

Alt text hereThe predominance of our masculine and feminine essences change. Image: Preillumination SeTh

This can be a good time for the masculine to relax and sink deeper, letting go of some of the ‘doing’ and move more into ‘being’. At the same time for a woman, it can be a very empowering time. Free of her hormonal cycle she can create what she wants and enjoy her life and sexuality with abandon.

For me, connection is the ultimate key to sexuality, love and intimacy. This intimate communion is deepened by embracing any limitations and changes each person is going through. It requires a flexibility and self-acceptance that develops over time. There is no quick answer, but it is helpful to know that many are in the same boat, and there are new ways of being together that will surprise you with their intensity and joy. Finally, we can focus on what is really important – being as one, the divine union, the aliveness of spirit in the body, here and now.

Peaks and Valleys

We have tended to see the ‘peak’ as the ultimate goal, the desirable summit, full of adrenaline and discovery. But for myself, as I grow older, there are still some peaks of course, but the treasures and the pleasures of the valley are more enticing.

I have been partnered and single in these years over fifty. And in both circumstances, I found it essential to keep my sexual energy alive and my heart open to divine union. The tools we can all use are varied and include emotional intelligence, movement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, self-pleasuring, deepening into your masculine and feminine essence, breathwork, pelvic opening and self-inquiry.

I had to find the courage to be honest about my own changes and needs. By being willing to find the loving way through, without giving up, I developed closeness and resilience in my relationships. I found that the rewards, when I push through that barrier, were astounding; the intimate sharing and revelation of my vulnerabilities unlocked my hidden sacred depths. In the valley we find ourselves, each other and the pure union of togetherness and oneness.

Much love

Cynthia

Cynthia Connop has been exploring and teaching transformational work for over thirty years. She is an international trainer, relationship consultant, and the founder of the Living Love workshop programs. Cynthia is also an accomplished documentary filmmaker, which encouraged her fascination with people, sacred sexuality, and relationships.

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Let us know how you feel about this article. Do you resonate with any aspects written here? We would love to hear from you on this topic. Sexual energy and lifeforce are so intertwined … how do you let your lifeforce shine?

Much love to you all, in whatever season you find yourself blossoming in.

Team UPLIFT

 

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13 Responses to The True Essence of Sexual Maturity

  1. When I read this article and the last reply, who was also a Deborah, I thought ,Yes, this sounds like me too! I am in now in my mid sixties and too, have had a number of relationships that were sexual , soulfully committed,friendship like and ” this is definitely NOT what I want or need”. But I think even in this later stage of life ( life after divorce at 48) I am learning so much of why my first and only marriage (so far) did not evolve or grow and how I was not fully present with my former partner and he with me. I had felt more like a mother of three with a full time profession and even though I was yearning for so much sexual creativity felt empty ,neglected and unloved. But yet this yearning and desire continue and long after menopause the flames of desire and connectedness still burn! I love that this in me is still alive and yearning. For me this comes from the heart now more than the brain.

    • Thank you for this beautiful and honest share Deborah. It sounds like you have a lot of awareness regarding your experience of love, relationships and your sexuality. I hope that you find the love that you yearn, even if it is just with yourself rather than another person. Thank you for reading 🙂

      Blessings,
      Team UPLIFT

  2. As a 55 year old man, I’m now beginning to see why I had to change. I’ve been on a journey now for a few months and I’m leaning towards the spiritual side of things. I’ve slowed my life down considerably although I still have some as yet unaccomplished goals. I’ve seen my feminine side come out in recent months. Now, I’ve been told by a female friend that I’m one of very few men who are brave enough to open up and show their vulnerabilities but I can definitely relate to what this lady says about feelings and emotions.

    • Hi Matt,

      I am happy you can relate to my blog. Thank you for your sharing and you are right that it does take real courage to open up and show your vulnerability.

      with love,

      Cynthia

  3. Hi. Our culture does not focus as much on youth as it does on potential customer & future workforce. Young people express themselves but the authority bodies couldn’t care less imo. They don’t care more about the ancients and only fairly revere the working ages basically. I know kinda off topic 🙂

  4. I found this article very satisfying! I am 67 and just reawakening sexually and wish there had been more articles like this in my 40’s. I am learning more about taking care of myself. I also found myself looking toward the spiritual side of sexuality and to follow in the light more with the essence of this author’s tantric connections.

  5. Hi Cynthia As my being journes through per menopause I am experiencing on slaught of various emotions and feelings like never before. My body is changing absolutely like you said. As a yogi I hold myself humbly and kindly. Older girl friends talked about roundness , softness and flexibility which I’m now partaking. We need to celebrate all the phases of our lives. Thanks for an empowering article.

  6. I appreciated this article. I am going through much of what she shared. And have been alone for almost 3 years now. I often wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life, moving forward. Part of me wants to stay alone and part of me wishes to have someone. I have went through menapause and a relationship ended bc of it. One that I thought would last to the end. So,this article was incredibly synchronistic. I find myself in it. I do know that I hope I find someone whom I can have relationship with again.

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